You know “those” people— the ones who surround themselves with people in the Caf show up at each campus event and are enlisted in every extracurricular activity known to man. Since they’re aligned with so many causes and engage in so many service projects these people seem to be model college students and humanitarians— brochure material. They certainly seem nice enough but sometimes you begin to wonder: How are they helping other people if they never seem able to help themselves? Nearly every topic of conversation with them is an upcoming responsibility they find overwhelming or a relationship with a friend that has become unmanageable. Sleep-deprived and overcommitted they cry in hoarse frustration— “I hate my life!”
I posit that until such people learn to love their lives and live them in a balanced way they will be of little help to anyone. Before attending their next executive board meeting or making the dreaded phone call to patch up their relationship they must learn self-reliance.
Self-reliance is a term that gets thrown around a lot. It was first popularly used in 19th-century America by the Transcendentalists as a prescription for a people living unexamined conformist lives but it has since been championed by hermits the miserly and the unashamedly selfish.
Therefore I want to be very precise in my recommendation of a regimen of self-reliance. The self-reliance I’m talking about eschews all of the fatuous self-absorption of verbally involving everyone else in your problems but it also steers clear of isolative navel-gazing and the manipulation of others for personal gain. These extremes are unhealthy unproductive and unfair to oneself and everyone else around. When I preach self-reliance it is as a starting point not an end unto itself; this includes acting in ways that may seem to be but are not merely self-gratifying.
Recall the instructions of your last flight crew: “Secure your own mask before assisting others.” We reflexively disagree with this dictum. We think one has to act selflessly and always put others first. But let’s imagine a loving mother and her young daughter flying together. Say the worst did happened. The cabin depressurized and the oxygen masks the plane and mommy’s stomach all dropped in unison. Maternal instincts flaring mom would most likely pull the mask over her daughter’s face first ignoring the instructions of the flight crew. Though completely understandable and even honorable at first glance by that act she has needlessly robbed her daughter of a mother.
With oxygen levels in the cabin quickly dropping everyone needs a mask on as soon as possible. Had the mother secured her own mask first she could still save her daughter even though the little one may have passed out. Oxygen would still flow and she would eventually revive. The little girl does not have the same ability to save her mother.
Ability and personality are the blessings of individuality and are uniquely manifest in each person. No one else possesses the exact spirit you have. It’s imperative you learn how to operate within yourself before assisting others.
Though I’m advocating self-reliance here I am not so foolish to think that a man can be an island nor do I think he should want to be. Every instance I’ve come across of a thoughtful man disappearing into the wilderness has concluded with the realization of the importance if not the act of returning to society at large and reconnecting with people.
How then shall our overcommitted student function in his or her relationships? Many relationships suffer because one or both parties are incapable of managing their own busy lives or problems. They come to each other broken and frazzled each hoping the other can cure all. There is great beauty in two coming together becoming vulnerable and willingly depending on each other but the decision to really share oneself should be made in a state of self-sufficiency. That’s what makes love so beautiful— it’s a decision that willingly steps beyond self-reliance. It is only once you have found all you can do with what you have been given that you can truly begin to give.