This week I decided to break some hearts. “How is that different from any other week?” you ask, you sycophantic charmer, you. Well, this time would be intentional, you see. I brought Alex Rangel and Annie King (you guys are famous now! Always remember it was I who made that so) along for moral support with the promise of laughter. We kicked off the night at Saki House for its delicious half-priced sushi and prime people watching location. I looked around to see if there were any suave strategies I could glean from fellow customers.
Oh, was there:
1) The Slow Wink
On the way to our seats, one guy gave me the most deliberate wink that ever there was. That or he’d grown tired of blinking with both eyes at once and wanted to switch things up for his eyelids. PRO: Ability to form words is unnecessary CON: Creepy
2.) Spell it out. But also don’t.
We had the pleasure of sitting adjacent to one promising stud. Not only was his hair slicked back with a good gallon of gel, but he was also creative. First, he held up his placemat on which he had written, “I love your.” Note the complimentary but confusing message. Mystery element: check. We made eye contact and I reacted the way I normally do — with laughter. (For some reason, this usually offends people.) Next, he wrote, “Call me Pappi” — to which my friend Annie vehemently answered, “NO.” “How are your knees not weak right now?” I asked her. Pappi was as persistent as he was unsettling, because the next move was also his:
3) The Ol’ Neck Dab
Pappi proceeded to make an elaborate show of dabbing at his neck and chest with one of the restaurant’s cloth napkins. “Great, another one we have to burn,” I imagined the watching waiter thinking. Somehow, overcome as we were with his ability to rid himself of sweat in public, we managed to resist.
4) Give for the Getting
A young Romeo said to my friends and me, “You all look beautiful!” as we walked by. “Thanks …” we replied politely and he cried indignantly, “I don’t get anything back?” Ah, neediness. Intoxicating. “You’re gorgeous. It’s blinding.” I replied generously.
5) Hit and Spin
We passed a bike gang of young 20-somethings. Clarification: a bicycle gang. They tossed their compliments and then just cycled on away. PROS: Speedy, good cardio, you get the thrill of putting yourself out there and a fast enough getaway to avoid rejection. CON: Little to no results.
6) Pure Honesty
One man we’d passed earlier called after us to stop, which we ignored. “Ladies! Ladies! Come back and love me, dang it!” Desperation is the new sexy.
Tune in next week to see what happened when I attempted smoothness. I made this a two-part column because I wanted to give you the opportunity to suggest lines/moves you’d like me to try. Email them by the Oct. 26! If they’re clever enough, I’ll go out again and add to my repertoire of suave.
