DEREK SEDAM
Staff Writer
Dear Dr. Watson,
I hoped I’d never have to write this letter to you during my four to seven-year stint here at Pepperdine as an undergraduate. I’ve been saving this letter since my My-Tie freshman days. The content remains the same — sadly, the coaches’ names don’t.
This sudden basketball coaching change has troubled me the past few weeks. I’ve slept on Vance Walberg’s decision night after night, and my teachers started calling my parents wondering when I would return to class.
Apparently you have shortened the list of replacement candidates down to, well, a “short list.” Hopefully this list isn’t as short as the team’s stack of wins this season (or last season, or two years ago).
First off, all these potential candidates need to accommodate our needs, the needs of the student. We need a passionate coach who can be actively involved in the community.
Our new coach needs to wear our colors. Think orange jacket, blue pants. Think Bruce Pearl at Tennessee. I’m sure we can get Fred Segal over in Santa Monica to cook something up.
Our coach needs to be involved around the school. Frankly, the only times I have seen our past coaches outside of Firestone Fieldhouse is … well, never. Maybe if a coach stopped by the cafeteria on Bread Bowl Friday it might make us like him that much more.
Our coach needs to handle the heat when the kitchen gets above room temperature. I understand results are needed quickly, so someone who can transform the program with the players we already have is ideal.
Now that the criteria has been established, here are the nominees for the most stressful coaching job at the school:
George Bush. Lord knows he’ll be looking for a job in the near future, right? Nothing says splash hire like landing a lame duck president. Bush could develop a strategy with a great name like “Cellar-Dweller Liberation.” Sure, we would wander aimlessly for the better part of a decade, but assistant coach Dick Cheney can make any situation positive.
Pros: TBA
Cons: Mysterious deer deaths around campus, mostly blamed on assistant coach Cheney.
Ron Burgundy. One word: classy. The San Diego news anchor keeps it classy and stays classy. His mustache and bright colored suits that make Sinatra look homeless could fit in well to the laid-back, trendy lifestyle that Malibu accommodates. The “no women in the newsroom” antics would surely fire up the players and students alike.
Pros: Jazz-flute solos at halftime, stomping and kicking on the sidelines, orange jackets with a killer blue turtleneck combination.
Cons: Burgundy’s scotch problem would scare away anyone in the administration.
Bob Knight. The recently departed Texas Tech coach said Tuesday that if the situation were right, the coach with the most wins would return to run another team. What better place to return to coaching than the college that embarrassed his Indiana powerhouse in the NCAA tournament? Only you, Dr. Watson, could have the power to bring this man to Malibu.
Pros: The most wins by a collegiate coach, a sense of humor, massive media coverage, tirades no one has ever seen before in California and me personally driving the welcome parade float down PCH.
Cons: Coach Knight is a man of contradictions. He is a man of values and traditions who only cares about his well-being. He could bring a great winning tradition, or leave the campus scarred. Then again, we’re on our third coach in two years.
I hope you make the right choice, Dr. Watson. This letter has been in my pocket since you fired Westphal, and I think I should keep a separate copy just in case. This hire will define your legacy, so take your time and make the right choice.
Or you could probably just kidnap Coach K.
Your Biggest Fan,
Derek
02-07-2008
