Hello all — and welcome to this new column, “As told by Gingers.” We, the gingers of the Graphic, are here to answer any questions you may have. Beware, though: As redheads, we have no filters and will tell you exactly what we’re thinking, so write in at your own risk.
For the most part being a ginger is the coolest thing since the ice age, but sometimes it can be a bit of a red-hot pain.
For those of you who don’t know, in order to be blessed with the redhead gene, both parents must have the same gene present. On the same token I’ve heard that redheads are destined to die out by the year 2060. This poses a real problem for those of us in our finding-a-mate stages of life. We’re all at the ripe age to start looking for The One and all of that, but if we want to keep the Glorious Race alive, our options are somewhat limited.
Therefore, our first choice is another ginger. But if we can’t manage to snag one you our next choice has to be the blonds. A decent choice — there’s plenty of you out there — but we have to win out over all of the blond females. That leaves us with our final choice — the closet-ginger. Now, the closet-ginger is a rare breed of male. They are those who are dark-haired, but have ginger beards, and more often than not, are so ashamed of their closet-gingerness that they make sure all evidence of their beards is done away with before we ginger women can seek them out. This, my dear friends, is why the race is failing.
Another pain is that we’re not considered a minority in terms of ethnicity. There’s no box for us to check on any legal form, nor are we recognized by the U.S. Census. We’re the most extreme minority in the world! Less than 2 percent of the entire world’s population is redheaded. Now, imagine how those of us who are left-handed must feel! That is a minority for you. And do we get any special treatment?
As a minority (as we fully believe that we are) why isn’t Obama shaping his campaign for us? Where are the fundraisers for homeless redheads or drives to donate Christmas presents to poor gingers? Why isn’t he advocating for the higher education for the redheaded race? Isn’t that the treatment the other minorities are receiving? This is why I call you all to a Redhead Revolution! It is time for us redheads to stand together and demand our rights! We are the 2 percent!
Or, if you’re not feeling quite like an activist, you can write to us here, and we’ll give you some semblance of advice. We hope to hear from you soon either way. Ginger Power!
Signed,
The Gingers
Send your questions to graphic@pepperdine.edu!
