TROY SENIK
Staff Writer
In an ideal world, no matter how naturally well-mannered they are, every child should always have two parents to shepherd them through the rigors of life. Think, then, of our two major political parties as fulfilling the same role on a national level. Of course, there will always be some children who need more discipline and guidance than others (I’m looking at you, Mississippi), but in general our political leaders are called just as much to inspire as to lead.
What, then, should we make of the political landscape of 2005, where Congress seems increasingly like the world’s most expensive cabaret, the Oval Office has most likely been cleared of all furniture to make way for a model train set and the Supreme Court … well, let’s face it, we’re Americans; all of us are pretty content with the fact that we’ll never be smart enough to understand what the Supreme Court does (though you should ask a Pepperdine law student if you ever get the opportunity to go to a bar late night).
Clearly if we are to hold on to the parental metaphor (which I’m going to do despite years of expensive therapy), Republicans are America’s father figures. They have the same no-nonsense attitude, the unshakable respect for tradition and the penchant for occasionally beating up the neighbor kid for taking your stuff when, in fact, the child was a real bully but had never set foot in your yard.
Republicans have proved fairly well during the past decade that they have no difficulty promoting a bold agenda while holding the reigns of power.
The Bush Administration has seen the dawning of “compassionate conservatism,” which has led to initiatives as groundbreaking as finally giving gay couples the right to unchecked gun ownership and ensuring enough prescription drug availability for seniors to guarantee that your grandparents will never again be cogent enough to regale you with the story of how they lived off paint chips for three years during the Great Depression.
If the Republican Party of the 21st century seems slightly directionless at the moment, it may at least partially be attributable to the party’s head, President Bush, who’s spent the past five years answering the tough questions like a fifth grader who had never prepped for his book report. The president’s confusion has obviously only grown in recent months, as evidenced by his recent proposal to cut marginal tax rates for hurricanes to “calm down them thundery showers.”
Democrats, of course, provide the nation’s maternal, nurturing side. The party of Jackson tends to be a very specific type of mother, however; the maternal unit who came of age during the 1960s and has since lost all of the principles but none of the wanton disregard for self-discipline. The result is a glut of feel-good, new-age, “cosmic consciousness” psycho babble that continues to ensure Whole Foods will turn a profit every year for the foreseeable future.
Part of the problem of being a modern Democrat is the genuine confusion as to what such a duty actually entails. While Republicans have spent the better part of the last year making the final act of “Hamlet” look like “Love, Actually,” Democrats have yet to find a standard-bearer (Bill Clinton is unavailable due to his contractual obligations with MTV’s “Spring Break”). It doesn’t help that the party’s public face is Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev), a man who gives the unshakable impression of the sort of senior citizen who always asks for your help in the decongestant aisle of the local drug store, regardless of whether you work there. As of this writing, the Democrats’ current party platform consists only of opposition to (1) anyone dying … ever (2) American citizens having to pay for goods or services and (3) Caucasians (Democratic-elected officials excluded).
Some more optimistic citizens hold out hopes for independent candidates, though I am more skeptical given that the past two non-major party candidates to make significant electoral inroads were Ross Perot and Jesse Ventura, a progression that must logically conclude with an Avril Lavigne presidency (though this would be great news for the economy’s underdeveloped Canadian skateboard paraphernalia market).
Does hope for our political world now lie dead? No, friend. You could be the statesman or stateswoman (but, let’s be honest, statesman) who changes the balance in the next generation. Put down this paper, get busy making straight Cs, find a woman you can commit to intermittently for the next 40 years, and make America proud.
11-03-2005