3.1415
By Sarah Pye
Living Editor
Our society has hit a new low. Gary Coleman is doing commercials for CashCall.
In general, I find celebrity endorsements unappealing. I have long been annoyed by the whole Patricia-Heaton-endorses-Albertsons thing, in the sense that, rather than making me want to shop at Albertsons, these commercials make me want to trap squirrels for food rather than support any establishment endorsed by someone associated with “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
But Coleman supporting CashCall is a new low.
CashCall, for those unfamiliar with the service, is one of those online loan services that promise to wire thousands of dollars in loans to virtually any applicant, often on the same day the application is placed. You can read more about this sort of business strategy in the “Mail-Order Goldfish, and Other Bad Ideas” chapter of “1001 Paths to Certain Bankruptcy.”
For those unfamiliar with Coleman, he is the former child star of “Diff’rent Strokes” who immortalized the line “Watchoo talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” – a line which he doubtlessly has never tired of hearing when repeated by friends, fans, his dentist, etc. If you ever run into Gary on the street, do your best rendition of the line – he’s sure to chuckle good-naturedly. Or kick you in the shins.
Coleman also recently got back into the news with a fortunately unsuccessful campaign to become California’s new governor in the recall election. Coleman’s loss was unsurprising, however. I mean, would California voters really put their future in the hands of a marginally talented actor? I think it’s safe to say that, as a group, Californians are smarter than that.
So anyhow, lacking a job as the leader of our state, Coleman apparently was forced to seek other forms of employment. It seems the want ads that day lacked a specific query for “Child star whose signature role ruined the rest of his career.” But luckily they did hold a listing for what comes down to being mostly the same thing: celebrity product endorsements.
By “celebrity” here I of course mean “person who occasionally gets recognized while dining out in restaurants, but whose agent will no longer return his calls.” Coleman probably doesn’t hang with Paris and Nicole on a regular basis.
But it’s lucky that CashCall found Coleman because, as is explained in the commercial, he is uniquely suited to promote their product.
You see, Coleman was not only famous for his fine acting as Arnold on “Diff’rent Strokes.” He gained additional notoriety when he sued his own parents for $3.8 million, winning on charges that they misappropriated a trust fund of his “Diff’rent Strokes” earnings.
However, since winning the suit in 1993, it seems things haven’t been going so great for Gary in the bank account department. The way he explains it in the commercial, he “made a lot of money acting as a child,” but “other people” spent most of it, and he was left with almost nothing.
Enter CashCall. With this easy service, all Gary had to do was call (866) 590-CASH and presto! In just eight weeks he had the full head of hair of which he had always dreamed.
No, wait, that’s what happens if you call (866) 590-HAIR. What happened to Coleman was that CashCall wired $10,000 to his bank account that very day.
But here’s the brilliance of this marketing campaign. The point CashCall appears to be trying to make is not, “If you use our service, you will become cool and smart and popular with the ladies, just like Gary Coleman!” This would be a good message, sure, but CashCall is far too clever for this beer-commercial sort of tactic. What they have going instead is the message that “If we’re just going to hand over $10,000 to Gary-freaking-Coleman, there’s no way you’re going to get turned down for a loan. Call today! Tell your friends!”
Again, brilliant. Of course, there’s no way this business can possibly survive, though I can see how the “give out free money to possibly disreputable people” concept must have seemed too good to pass up by its creators.
But sadly, Gary will probably be on the job hunt once again pretty soon. Albertson’s executives, please take note: If Gary’s on the market, I think this would be an excellent opportunity to replace Patricia Heaton. Just consider it, please, because I’m getting really tired of eating squirrel.
Submitted April 1, 2004
