3.1415
By Sarah Pye
Living Editor
Here’s the thing about being employed: Sometimes, you actually have to do work.
See, I work in a certain on-campus office that will remain nameless to protect the guilty. The general, unspoken workers’ motto in this office seems, through my careful observation, to be something along the lines of, “Do as little actual work as possible.”
Anyone who works on campus knows what I’m talking about here. The best jobs are the ones where you don’t have to do anything.
The ideal job description that, in a perfect world, would be printed right there on the first page of the Guide to Student Employment would read something like, “Wanted: Unmotivated, unskilled worker, who is strong in doing-homework-on-university-time skills, and desires to talk on their cell phone to their friends four or more hours per day. $25/hour.”
Sadly, employers rarely have the courtesy to print this type of want ad. So, instead, we must guess what positions will allow us to do the least amount of work for the greatest pay.
In honor of this noble pursuit, and after three years of on-campus employment, I thought I would take this time to share with you the wisdom I have collected, through no fault or effort of my own.
Read on, for insights into the world of getting paid to do practically nothing:
Tip 1: Find a job where you contribute nothing to society.
Never seek employment someplace where there is a good chance they have something for you to do. This is why most students rule out off-campus employment right away. If you go out and do something silly like, say, get a job at Coogie’s or another dining establishment, they’re going to have you performing all sorts of work-related tasks, like taking orders, serving food, wiping tables, administering the Heimlich maneuver to customers choking on their salad forks, etc.
This just can’t happen. How are you going to write that term paper or find out the latest about your best friend Jamie’s worthless cheating boyfriend if you get a job like this?
What you must look for instead are positions with certain key words in their descriptions. “Receptionist” is the ultimate word. They might as well call people in these positions “Internet perusing specialists,” because that Clay Aiken Fan Club Web site isn’t work related, believe me.
Also good to look for are positions seeking a person who “works well independently” (no pesky supervisors checking to see whether that’s actually Dean Baird you’re talking on the phone to about Denzel Washington’s precise level of hotness), “is self-directed” (direct yourself right to the J. Crew Web site to find out about the latest spring fashions), and, the granddaddy of them all, “can work from home” (never again will being employed interfere with your ability to catch the latest “Judge Judy”).
Tip 2: The thinking man doesn’t work retail.
Trust me. You don’t want to sell things. That almost always takes work, plus an entire skill set that includes being able to count back change and operate one of those tricky price scanner guns that you probably never picked up while sitting on the couch watching “Melrose Place” reruns.
In addition, retail positions so often require employees to stand up for long hours during the workday, and that in itself takes a lot of effort. Since “effort” is our number one enemy in selecting the perfect job, on-your-feet-intensive positions are definitely out.
Which brings me to my next tip, which is, of course …
Tip 3: Have a seat. And stay there.
In order to select a really excellent job for yourself, be sure to take into consideration how comfortable your office chair will be. Ideally, they’d have a Barcalounger parked behind the desk (and please, if you ever find such a position, give them my number).
However, as this rarely happens, do take time to ask about what type of seating your potential employer offers. “Do your office chairs offer plush padding and superior upholstery?” you should ask, frowning seriously.
If he or she is unable to answer this type of pertinent employment question, offer to test out the available seating, offering helpful comments that may provide useful to future job seekers, such as “Hmm, bouncy.”
With these tips, finding employment in a suitable useless position should be a snap. But now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m at work and have things to do. Besides, it’s really hard to reach the keyboard with my Barcalounger fully reclined.
Submitted March 25, 2004
