Nick Mah
Yesterday I had my first experience with a true locksmith. While I stood by acting as if I might help at some point in time, I watched Steve disassemble my steering column, remove the lock assembly from the ignition assembly and proceed to hand cut a new key for me.
I asked him if he liked locksmithing and he said, “it’s all I know.” So I said to myself, “What do I know?” I know about philosophy, AP guidelines and oil painting. And when I need a new key, there’s not a thing I can do but pick up the phone.
Now, while this obviously does not seem like a big issue right now, I believe it will become a major issue following the apocalypse. As you may have noticed, and as I observed last week, the world should be coming to an end, and soon, at least as we know it. And when it does, my bachelor of the arts in art, backed up by my extensive general education, will do absolutely nothing for me.
And you other majors, don’t think that you are any better off. Just try and show me what your accounting degree does when there is no longer any paper currency and our whole system of economics depends on bartering and pillaging.
That’s why I’ve decided to drop out of school, and I advise the rest of you to do so as well. You will be much better off if you quickly stop wasting your time doing homework and going to class and start training your body and learning a skill.
Contrary to popular belief, operations management is not a skill. Neither is investing or international finance. Locksmithing, however, is. So are carpentry and welding. These are the skills that will be needed to rebuild our country following the massive attacks I predict we will be undergoing in about, probably, five years.
That’s right, five years is all you’ve got. The first step is dropping out of school. Step two is undergoing a mental cleansing to free up the brain space that you’re going to need once each day becomes a life and death situation, not a profit and loss situation.
Step three is to learn a skill. It doesn’t really matter what you learn as long as you can do it really well. That way, you will be able to barter your skill for food and clothing.
Now a lot of you might be thinking, “If I drop out of school, how will I succeed without this amazing education?” I’ll tell you. You just have to change your definition of success. Give up your dreams of beautiful boats and houses, and start thinking about the pleasures of a deer skin tent and a warm fire made from animal fat and wood you cut down with a saw made from the spine of an animal you killed.
When you wake up from a dream of chasing down a wild pig and killing it with a spear, you will feel refreshed and ready to attack your day. How can you worry about traffic when you have the peace of mind that you could get by without a problem if your car and everyone else’s were destroyed?
Yes, it will be a bright day, and I look forward to the coming technological apocalypse.
I urge you all to heed my words and take immediate action. Drop out. Forget. Relearn. Dropout. Forget. Relearn. I’m not brainwashing you. Drop out. Forget. Relearn. Drop out. Forget. Relearn.
I hope that I don’t see any of you tomorrow.
February 21, 2002