Warning: This is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not take any personal offense to any of the personas listed as I admit even my habits align with some of these. But if I do my job right you’ll find your match. Also the gender of each persona was selected at random.
1. The mommy’s-little-monster. This persona may coincide with any of the following: She’s never worked a day in her life and may very well keep it that way following her four-year romp at Pepperdine. She gets wired money from mom and pops to keep adding to the designer wardrobe she manages to stuff in her otherwise spacious closet. She is generally friendly moderately intelligent and mildly interested in whatever you have to say. Flattery is key to cordial conversation.
2. The activist. A politically correct vegan hipster who in a combination of protest and lack of options no longer eats. His uniform consists of TOMS anything vintage and ironic facial hair. He makes heartbreaking films about children in Third World countries and promotes handmade goods of all kinds. Often found writing poetry on the streets of Bombay or at the HAWC. If you want to hit on him mention your affinity for all things Africa-related.
3. The pre-med. major. From o-chem. in the Sandbar to bio. in the library you’ll spot this miserable soul immediately by the agony streaked across her sleep-deprived face. You probably have one or two as suitemates. More often than not she enrolls in the Malibu program sophomore year. On rare occasions one might RSVP “attending” to Pepperdine Facebook events … that doesn’t mean she shows up.
4. The conservative. He hails from the South— on second thought he may come from any direction. The persona applies to men who sit with their legs crossed and women who dictate their political views via Facebook. He’s straightedge but he won’t know what that means. The more radical bunch may have posters of past presidents in his dorm rooms. I wish I were kidding.
5. The overbooked student leader. She says hello in passing but never stops walking. Her planner looks like the lazy taping-together of doctor’s notes. Her Blackberry is an extension of her arm. Probably Greek but not necessarily. Frequently found in business attire sipping double shots from Starbucks.
6. The all-American guy. The “clean-cut haircut loyal-to-his-favorite-soap-brand” type of guy. His activities range from tennis to casual small talk to… hunting. He loves Jesus and wants to marry a girl just like mom.
7. The prettier-than-thou girl. Her hair is perfect regardless of the time of day. Her outfit matches flawlessly. A scarf for class and if you check the feet you’ll find Tory Burch. Bonus points if they’re metallic. Pants optional. Yessir if this girl is chilly enough to cover her divine legs she commissions leggings for the job. Trendy and economic.
8. The moving sweatshirt. This character has too much on his mind and dorm room floor to be concerned with self-image. On any given day he crawls out from his hall leaving behind a trail of dirty laundry and goes from class to Caf back to dorm. Rarely comes out in daylight. Sensitive to loud noises. If you happen to smile at him his face reacts as warmly as a “do not disturb” sign. Your interactions with this rare specie will be as memorable and touching as a business card.
9. The English major. Barely distinguishable this brilliant grammatically-correct flowery Jane Austen reader blends into diverse groups. He or she could embody the lovely wallflower type or the life of the party. If you can’t remember what your friend is majoring in he or she is probably an English major.
10. The closet liberal. He rarely speaks up in political class discussions. He never quite makes his opinions clear and often seems to sit on the fence but you’re bound to find an Obama poster somewhere in his dorm— even if it is under the bed where Big Red next door can’t see. His fate is to either end up sucked into the conservative machine or finally grow more confident.