Hello fellow Americans. It is an honor to be standing here today, accepting your nomination to be the 45th President of the United States. I know it must have come as a surprise to most of you — a write-in candidate actually elected! — but what can I say? I have quite a few Facebook friends.

First and foremost, I must put you all at ease. I know how you all like your presidents to be, well, men, so I’ve ordered two dozen pastel pant suits and a four years’ supply of whey protein powder to hide all that harmful femininity. I will not allow this country to be represented by some weeping, hormonal mess prone to spontaneous combustion! We shall remain strong, America.

This great nation has been built brick by brick by our ancestors; they toiled in the soil, broke their backs laying train tracks and dreamed dreams that seemed impossible. This history — nay, this legacy — of hard work must be sustained, and more importantly, contained. As your commander in chief, I will make this a top priority. Illegal immigrants do not understand this rich history, and though our ancestors may have been immigrants themselves, these modern day ones missed the window! (Immigration was so 1880, guys.)

Another great threat to our greater nation is the skyrocketing national debt. This is why I have a plan to contact Donald Trump and offer an exchange: I’ll publish the photo of me in a flannel shirt hugging a tree in Portland while handing out birth control to passersby for a simple, one-time $16 trillion donation to the National Debt Relief Fund.

We are on the path to prosperity, America! A path that will only be enhanced by my mail-order college degree program, our partnership with Apple to ship Americans overseas to work in their Chinese factories and of course our cost-saving Healthcare for Healthy People replacement program for Obamacare.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, yes — Osama bin Laden is dead.

We have a star-spangled, bright few years ahead of us, and I am honored to be leading this great nation into the angelic light of our future. Please, by all means, vocalize your opinions on Twitter and together, we will work to rebuild America. Goodnight, and good luck.