Dear Grace,

Lately I’ve been dealing with an overly eager guy. He texts me every day asking me out, and all I give him are vague answers and non-responses. It’s been going on for almost a month now, though, and I’m starting to get annoyed. What should I do? 

Sincerely, 

Tell Him to Back Off

Dear THTBO,

To be completely honest this question is somewhat of a challenge for me to answer, given that I am most frequently the freak doing the stalking and not, as you’re probably shocked to find out, the hot commodity being stalked. For your sake, however, I will consider it a writing exercise and assume the identity of a sought-after woman.

Vagueness and non-response usually do the trick. The fact that whatshisface is relentlessly pursuing you only tells us that he falls onto one of the two extreme ends of the Pepperdine male personality spectrum: 1) The psychotic, Bible-beating wife hunter or 2) The arrogant douchebag so unaware of his own unfortunate appearance that he genuinely thinks you’re just playing hard to get in your desperation to get rid of him. If you can figure out which of these categories he falls into, there are a few tricks you might employ in getting rid of him once and for all.

If your suitor is of the first inclination, that is, overly zealous in his quest to settle down, you’re dealing with the easier of the two. Despite the impossibility of going on dates at Pepperdine, there is this bizarre sub-sect of students comprised primarily of southern CoC kids who are looking to skip the dating game and head straight down the aisle. However, if someone belonging to this faction is suddenly smitten by a person of contrasting ideals (in this case, you), you must feign impropriety in an effort to portray yourself unworthy of their adamant pursuit.

Consider edging up your wardrobe, piercing something unconventional, perhaps even getting a tattoo if you’re really committed. As sad as it may be, women who exercise their rights to self-expression through means that were at one time deemed “unladylike” are still feared and avoided by many of those men who consider themselves traditionally God-fearing.

If your stalker is of the latter inclination, that is, just genuinely oblivious to his own repulsiveness, there’s honestly not much you can do. This guy is similar to the wife-seeker, just less religious and not maritally inclined. This calls for some “John Tucker Must Die” type tactics. Concoct a scheme designed to publically humiliate him in say, the Caf, during Convo, in front of his fraternity brothers or on the Internet, and regardless of whether he knows you’re responsible for his downfall, he will hopefully dial back his aggression at least until his ego recuperates.