I purchased the latest edition of Cosmopolitan this week. Don’t be alarmed. This but this is a purely scientific foray into the depths of this dubious magazine. I have determined that on behalf of the male population I will undergo a survey of this magazine garnering what relevant information I can and report it back to my gender so that we may all profit from my brave and possibly dangerous journey. Below are my findings.
Cosmopolitan magazine or Cosmo is a sex magazine targeted toward women between the ages of 14 and 30 that also sometimes covers clothes and beauty products. Rumor has it that it occasionally publishes content but this has yet to be verified. It seems to occasionally mention fitness but only programs that allow the reader to lose weight slim down or otherwise become more attractive in 10 minutes or less. It can be assumed that the average Cosmo reader is too busy seducing her man and exfoliating to pursue health and fitness.
This particular issue offers “283 Fall Looks.” Assuming fall to be from September to November that allows for about four different looks for each day. Readers are encouraged to combine these looks with a “sexy move” that will work from precisely 20 feet away. From the cover we must also assume that Cosmo readers must be very poor at communicating directly with the male population as the magazine makes a big fuss about confessions and tips from real live men. Were I aware that my confessions were such a bankable commodity I would have been able to avoid much of the debt Pepperdine has gifted me.
I attempted to discover the table of contents but was unsuccessful and instead am led repeatedly to a Chanel ad for a fragrance called Bleu de Chanel. “Be unexpected says the ad. Upon further internet research I learned that bleu refers to blue mold.
I then stumbled upon the staff page. I feel instant sympathy for John Lanuza, the lone male on a magazine composed by 49 women. Also learned that Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.” I vowed to find proof of content or articles in the pages.
I finally found an article worth evaluating: “101 Things About Men”. As a man myself I should be able to evaluate the claims accurately. There is a surprising lack of diversity among the names of the male contributors. Men by the name of Josh and John overwhelmingly contribute and are inspired to submit their wisdom which seems suspiciously over punctuated and peppered with typically female vocabulary. Included is how to decode when “his pout is pursed which is an indication that he can’t make it to your BFF’s party.” At this point my confusion is overwhelming. Knowing Cosmo’s authority on these issues I have begun to doubt my own credibility on the subject.
In the middle of the magazine is a daunting section on sex much of which cannot be ethically reprinted or even paraphrased. A cursory examination leaves me feeling slightly terrified and a little guilty. I will be wary of women carrying Cosmo from now on for fear of being a guinea pig for things suggested in this section. Included is the phrase “Abuse Your Ottoman.” I did not feel comfortable reading further.
Having been forced to skip the third of the magazine I finally have arrived at what looks like some practical advice that could really help the lives of women. Some of the tips: Your feet reek wear socks. A migraine strikes close your eyes. You feel bloated go to the restroom. This section must be responsible for the 2.9 million circulated copies of Cosmopolitan each month.
Cosmopolitan is arguably the most popular woman’s magazine in the world and is published in 47 different countries. Based on these statistics it must be considered the absolute authority on women’s issues. This is a worrisome revelation as I’ve found myself shockingly out-of-line with its recommendations. I must immediately begin a program to put more intention behind my “cocky smirk” and the angle at which I speak to women. It is clear that I would get more attention if I acted more like Josh and John who submit articles to women’s magazines. I have a new respect for the editors and contributors to Cosmopolitan magazine; I don’t know how they have time to write between all the sex.