By James Riswick
News Editor
In the White House’s newest attempt at uncovering weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, it hired Elmer Fudd to stake out an area somewhere outside of Mosul and be “vewy, vewy quiet” while doing it.
Well, that’s not actually true. But it certainly wouldn’t hurt the situation. In his speech Sunday concerning the rebuilding of Iraq and the ongoing war on terror, President Bush made no comments about the fact that no weapons of mass destruction (WMD) have been found.
How shocking is that? Not in the bloody least and I can list several reasons why.
The first and foremost reason is there’s no way the President would admit to something that is so obviously a blemish on his administration. He would never say, “and as for that pesky anthrax and uranium yellow cake, well, we sure haven’t found any of that yet. But we have found a couple of rusty tanks and a busted old Yugo with an AK-47 strapped to the hood.”
The second reason is it seems the administration just figured that there would surely be WMD in Iraq and used that as one of the excuses to oust Saddam. It seems logical that there would be, so they took a chance and, unfortunately for them, lost. Of course, if some yellow cake shows up next month in some hut in Baghdad, the inevitable quotes flying out of the White House will be something along the lines of, “there you frog-eating Frenchies, we told y’all so.”
The third reason is this was never mainly about weapons of mass destruction in the first place. And it wasn’t about terrorists being in Iraq, especially since Saddam and al-Qaida are well-documented enemies. It was about ridding the world of a tyrannical, psychotic dictator and bringing a true democracy into the Middle East. Not only would a “free” Iraq provide the United States with thankful Middle Eastern trading partners, but it could also be a future model for neighboring nations. Not to mention Iraqi lives could be improved and score huge points for the Bush re-election campaign.
Only time will tell if this happens, but the administration’s moves to include other nations into the rebuilding is most definitely a good sign. It will bring in more troops to Iraq – something that is needed. And it seems only logical that the Iraqi people would object less to an international occupational army than simply an American one with a few Britons and Poles thrown in for a little cultural diversity.
And speaking of weapons of mass destruction, but not really, I’ve been noticing that campus smokers aren’t exactly staying within their “designated smoking areas.” I guess it’s time for plan B: a large glassed-in room, like in airports, that smokers can inhabit. If a smoker is found outside their pen, their cigarette would immediately be doused with a fire extinguisher and the offender will be thrown back in with the rest of their kind.
In all seriousness though, where are the designated smoking areas outside of lower campus? Where can smokers in the dorms or apartments go, or has anybody even thought of this? This information is not clear.
Perhaps they actually have to walk all the way to main campus, but let’s face it, smokers are easily winded and can’t be expected to walk that far. Maybe that’s the real reason behind the designated areas: it’s a subliminal message to stop smoking or else you have to walk vewy, vewy far.
And finally, although I hate to harp on the situation, I must admit I find Britney Spears quite fascinating and one of the biggest purveyors of spoken fecal matter in the world. When asked how she felt before her big kiss with Madonna, Spears said, “I mean I’m a shy person in general, but I got very intimidated and I was like, not myself.” Begin sarcastic bout of laughter. Yes, the one who struts around half-naked with a cobra around her neck in a skin-colored thong while singing “I’m a Slave 4 U” is a vewy, vewy shy person.
Continue sarcastic bout of laughter.
September 11, 2003