I still have it, my signed piece of paper pledging my pure body to God and my future husband. I even still have a brick — yes, a five-pound burnt-red brick — that reads ”Promise Kept” with a sloppy signature of an 11-year-old accompanying it. However, neither of those items represents anything more than a wall decoration and door weight now.
Christian practices focus on abstinence-only education, sometimes coercing young teens to commit to a choice out of fear of sinful wrongdoing and unhappy futures. However, not every individual continues to align with these beliefs as they develop.
Promising God or oneself abstinence from premarital sex does not automatically yield a 100 percent success rate. One study found 88 percent of abstinence pledgers still had sex before marriage. Abstinence is not for everyone, and should not determine a person’s relationship strength with God or qualify a person to be negatively labeled as “impure” or “undesirable.”
I chose sex over abstinence with someone I loved, and I do not regret it. Going against my 11-year-old promise to God has never been a decision I take lightly, as sex should never be a passive decision. I am not saying abstinence is not a respectable choice, but it is not the only option and, honestly, an option I do not think necessarily leads to a devoted and life-long partnership as I was promised growing up.
Sex can be awkward. Sex can also be amazing. It is important to be comfortable with your sexuality and your body before marriage. Being exposed to another human being can be intimidating and scary, especially if you have not explored your body or anyone else’s before. We are adults now, not tweens at a summer camp, and your body is natural and being comfortable in your own skin is imperative.
Going to Pepperdine — well, living in America — can create a sense of having to repress sexuality. American culture is filled with hyper-sexualized figures such as celebrities and even children’s toys, yet to be a sexual individual is viewed as negative. By transcending the hypocritical views our sex culture provides, one is able to become confident in one’s own sexuality.
Even if you surpass the gawky moments of early sexuality, emotional connection does not automatically lead to sexual compatibility. I was never told that sex can be incredible with one person and dull with another — why would I need to know that if I were only going to have sex with my future husband? But it is true: You will not have mind-blowing sex in every relationship. You can be dating someone who makes you laugh, challenges your mind and has all the same interests as you, but sexual connection is void. It is OK and does not mean the relationship has to be over: It may just be platonic. Knowing this before marriage, however, is ideal because even the most determined couple may not be able to realign sexual compatibility, which could lead to more detrimental rifts in marriage. In a University of Texas, Austin study focusing on infidelity within the first year of marriage, research found that “for both men and women, dissatisfaction with marital sex is a predictor of susceptibility to brief affairs.”
Discovering yourself and your partner sexually before signing a binding document can be beneficial beyond compatibility. “Having sex regularly can do more than make you feel closer to your partner — it can actually make you physically healthier,” Dr. Hilda Hutcherson said in a Women’s Health article. Several sex experts such as Hutcherson have found common health benefits to sex, including better sleep at nights, less stress, boosts in self-esteem and more. A lifetime of regular sex with your partner can yield healthy physical and emotional outcomes, but without being comfortable with yourself and sex, those benefits may not be present.
In the end, just because abstinence is not my decision doesn’t mean recklessness is. I’m not saying have sex with anyone for the sake of gaining expert experience, nor am I condemning every abstinent relationship. It is important to be responsible with whichever choice you make.
Risks of pregnancy and STDs are present, but they can be prevented. Losing your virginity does not have to translate into sleeping around and engaging in unprotected sex. In fact, most people I know who have broken their abstinence vows make healthy choices and take the right steps toward preventing STDs and pregnancy. Buying condoms, taking birth control and having healthy dialogue are not activities that should be awkward; they should be seen as taking responsible actions based on a decision. If guilt and shame are lingering in the air because you had sex and do not want anyone to know, there is more of a chance of being unsafe. Do not let the choice to engage in sexual activities also be a choice toward recklessness.
Sex is not for the world to know. If you choose not to wait until marriage that is up to you, not your peers and not a piece of paper signed 10 years ago.
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Follow Ashlie Benson on Twitter: @Ashlie_Corina
