The Waves of Innovation presentations came and went last week and were generally regarded as a major success. The finalists for the maiden program received initial funding and advanced to the next round where they hope to receive the full amount of financial support to help ensure their given project’s realization.
But, as with any story of triumph in life, there are untold stories of tragedy and heartbreak. Many qualified students and faculty members submitted their projects to the newfound initiative, only to have their dreams shattered. I was one of those people. The following are the four pitches I submitted to the Waves of Innovation Fund, all of which were swiftly and unceremoniously denied by the deciding committee, of which one member described my ideas as, “you can’t possibly be serious.” The truth is, I couldn’t possibly be any more serious than I was. My pitches:
The DPS Bounce Zone: An adult-sized bounce castle where DPS officers can go and spend their time in more productive manners than walking up and down our campus assessing $40 parking fines. We pay $50,000 a year to go to Pepperdine and shouldn’t have to share the same seven parking spaces among all three thousand of us. I think I speak for everyone when I say charge us $80 more and let us park wherever the hell we want. Parking anarchy. That’s an idea I can get behind.
Drescher Zipline: It’s pretty self-explanatory. I’m actually surprised this isn’t already a thing. Woke up late? Just throw on a harness; you’ll be on main campus in 20 seconds. This is a more expensive initiative because it comes with a $100 million ski lift that constantly is moving so people can just hop on and float past Lower Dorm Road on their way up the hill.
Rad Squad: This one is a little self-indulgent. Basically I wanted the school to give me money so my friends and I could invest in rhino-grade tasers with which we’d walk around campus and zap anyone we hear using the word rad in a sentence. Nothing is rad you guys. This is a higher education institution; stop being idiots and find another word to describe your class being let out earlier.
The Undulation Station: Google “wave + thesaurus” and you’ll quickly realize what an amazing name Undulation Station is. What does it describe? The new two story caf I’m building with the school’s money. Tired of quesadilla order forms? Use our glass elevators and come on up to the U.S., where Pick Up Stix, Chipotle and Chick-fil-A are open 24/7 … even on Sundays (pending Divine approval).
You probably just read that and had a sinking feeling in your stomach as you tried to figure out how those pitches got denied. It might have been because I sent them on napkins and not in the PDF form of their official submission packets, but I like to think it was because the world wasn’t ready for the innovation I was throwing their way.
It’s OK; history will be kind to troubled geniuses like myself. Until then, enjoy waiting on those intermittent Drescher shuttles.
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Follow Ben Holcomb on Twitter: @BenjaminHolcomb
