A Modest Proposal
Daniel Johnson
Art Editor
Last weekend I drove six hours to see a concert. However, all of the driving and music did not replace the overall lesson I learned. From the covert messages of youthful angst and free love, and the overt messages of enthusiastic voting and purchasing merchandise, I gleaned one sliver of truth.
At the end of an extremely rousing set, many of my fellow concert-goers showed their appreciation by holding up their cell phones. The blue/green light of cell phones was nice, but a few people held up lighters that glimmered like beacons on a hill. I was bathed in the overwhelming opalescent glow of Motorola. When I saw those few with the flickering lighters held aloft, I was ashamed of my own cell phone that I held high. Then the moment of truth was upon me: Not enough people smoke anymore.
None of us can deny the cool factor of smoking. We look at those wisps of ashen mist dancing aloft and cannot resist their subtle allure. In a way we are attracted to things that are dangerous. That’s why the crocodile hunter is cool, that’s why people who drive motorcycles are cool, and that’s why smoking is so cool.
Everyone out there thinks that smoking is bad for you. Sure, some people get cancer from cigarettes but that is after thousands of hours of smoking enjoyment. It’s pretty much a sure thing that if you do something enough it’ll kill you (or you’ll get cancer from it). My friend’s friend’s brother played with a yo-yo too much, then “BOOM!” – cancer.
Moderation is the key to smoking as it is the key to most things in life. And if you are susceptible to nicotine’s siren song, by all means avoid it. Sometimes people need to forgo vices to which they are vulnerable. If you’re Nick Nolte, don’t drink. If you are my friend Trevor, steer clear of Las Vegas. And if I am to lead a full and healthy life, I should avoid eBay.
When I think of tobacco, I think of sexy vixens, scantily clad and lounging on a 23-foot schooner with bronzed and chiseled men. They are always laughing with their ever-present cigarettes dangling from their fingertips or jutting out at jaunty angles from their collagen-filled lips. My conscious mind tells me that this is not the typical smoking situation, but my unconscious is busy purchasing smokes and sunscreen. So smoking is partially cool because it is dangerous, but also because tobacco companies pour money into advertising and artificially make smoking cool. I dream of being a rugged Marlboro cowboy riding an anthropomorphic camel.
The truth is that tobacco companies are evil faceless corporations that feed off of the suffering of their customers and exploit addictive personalities to peddle wares. But no one should confuse the vendor with the product. Yes, tobacco companies are evil. Yes, smoking is about as healthy as reality TV. But think of what we would lose.
Tobacco is important. Who would Sherlock Holmes be without his pipe? I personally think that his pipe adds to his deductive skills. (I also think his cool hat helps him too) The presence of tobacco also provides jobs for a considerable amount of medical health and cancer research professionals. Without the lung cancer smoking provides, these hardworking people would be without jobs. With-out smoking, Gandalf couldn’t make magic smoke rings and Wolverine wouldn’t look awesome with his cigar.
Without cigarettes, how will seventh graders prove that they are rebellious? We need tobacco. So if you want to be cool, smoke a cigarette, and just to safely secure your position as “cool,” handle deadly reptiles and race motorcycles, too.
10-07-2004