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There has been a noticeable societal shift toward the idea that “you don’t owe anyone anything” (YDOAA). At its core, this message is about boundaries. It is meant to be a reminder to prioritize yourself, to stop people pleasing and to become more independent and emotionally stable.
As with many originally neutral ideas, this one often gets taken to extremes. This is particularly the case — from my observation — among young women.
Society tends to be wary of outwardly encouraging boys and men to “choose themselves” without regard for others. On the other hand, women are encouraged to adopt this mentality, possibly as a pendulum swing against long-standing gender expectations and inequality.
The YDOAA mentality is similar to multiple other social trends, largely propagated by TikTok according to Medium, that idealize emotional detachment. An example of this is the glorification of nonchalance, which paints indifference as a goal rather than a neutral trait.
These trends have a shared underlying implication: Caring less is positive and caring more is negative. Caring less will lead to having a stronger base for personal power because you are unshaken by those around you. Caring more will lead to weakness in the form of being needy and vulnerable.
While both of these statements might have a basis in truth, most trends birthed on TikTok and Instagram Reels are flattened and oversimplified. TikTok and Instagram Reels have a marvelous capacity to churn out new societal trends by the month, designed for mass-appeal and viral impact rather than with depth and nuance, according to ACM Digital Library. These mantras operate in a way that is comparable to fast fashion: attention-grabbing, fleeting and largely devoid of substance.
The following three hypotheticals better illustrate the effects of the YDOOA mindset, each progressing to be less extreme.
First, imagine a world where everyone believes they owe nothing to anyone, including parents to their children. They refuse to comfort their crying child, inconvenience themself to go to the grocery store to buy healthy food or sacrifice spending time with their friends to avoid neglecting their child.
Second, parents still engage with and care for their children, but beyond that, the concept of self-sacrifice disappears. Helping coworkers, volunteering doing something inconvenient just to be kind — none of it happens. People outside the immediate family always “choose themselves.”
Third, parents sacrifice for their children and selflessness exists outside of the immediate family. Friendships exist, but with an important draw. Every person in every friendship is keenly aware that they don’t owe anyone anything.
Therefore, apologies for the little things aren’t expressed anymore. Staying up late with a friend experiencing pain or discomfort doesn’t happen. Friends aren’t forgiven for their mistakes, and so friendships are short term.
Our current culture isn’t far from the third example. More importantly, though, our culture actively pushes our generation closer and closer to these hypotheticals.
The irony is we depend on mutual care for survival. We exist as we are today because someone fed us as infants. The workforce continues to innovate and create because people sometimes go beyond what is required. As far as friendships go, if it weren’t for second chances we’d all be alone.
For most people, the YDOAA mentality is a phrase that occasionally floats by and sparks action or inaction. It is casually categorized as truth or something that should be embodied.
The healthier and more truthful option is almost the opposite idea. You do owe some people some things. In fact, you probably owe a lot of people a lot of things, maybe even everyone, simply for the fact that they are sharing the human experience with you and they feel.
We crave love and community. Both of these are contingent on effort, sacrifice and forgiveness and at least occasional inconvenience. None of that comes naturally if you’ve been taught to center yourself at all costs.
If social media platforms preached that you owe people the same amount of love you give yourself, and that the amount of love you give yourself should be a lot, I believe we would be a happier collective.
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Contact Mahali Kuzyk via email: mahali.kuzyk@pepperdine.edu
