Transparency Item: The Perspectives section of the Graphic is comprised of articles based on opinion. This is the opinion and perspective of the writer.
Self-improvement is at the forefront of many people’s mindsets. Being smarter, kinder, bolder, more charismatic, more exciting, more grounded, more disciplined or any other positive attribute someone believes they lack is enticing, and seemingly important.
College is a particularly powerful period of time for self-improvement because so much is shifting. If someone is changing locations, learning new things and switching out an entire group of friends, why not leave college with a new personality as well? Why not expect to be better?
It might feel natural — as at one point it did for me — to try to manually switch one’s behavior in individual instances. This mindset relies on having faith that eventually, someone might become someone who is more inclined to exhibit those good traits naturally. This hasn’t proven to be the case for me.
Specifically regarding emerging adults, efforts to force self-improvement through self-criticism often backfire and lead to heightened psychological distress, according to MDPI.
When someone obsesses on being a better person at every moment in time, it causes them to take a step back from the actual experiences they face. It places a filter between someone and their naturally occurring thoughts and feelings, and in the process, distances someone from their sense of autonomy and free will.
This surrender of following one’s raw emotion and whims might seem like a good idea when it comes to negative emotions and actions. However, with increasing intensity and a tightening grip on the incentive of self-improvement, trying to tweak the way one acts and feels stifles one’s self expression. This negatively impacts one’s confidence and capacity for joy as a result.
If a desire for personal perfection is too strong, it makes the consequences of failing to meet those self-imposed standards significantly worse. The result of someone doing something as small as making a conversation awkward, or failing to do something bold due to fear or morally falling short in some capacity may result in self-loathing.
Self-loathing in response to small perceived failures often leads not to growth, but to emotional exhaustion and avoidance, according to Routledge’s research on perfectionism and burnout.
The self-loathing itself creates drag against being authentically “good.” People experiencing this self-loathing might feel less competent to move and play in the world and with others, and less excited to do so.
Excitement as well as an understanding of freedom translates to moving with confidence. If one has this confidence, they can give themselves space and acceptance of their flaws.
If someone is knowingly doing something wrong, it’s probably good to change it. However, one can’t take it to the extent of tweaking every thought, every feeling, every conversation and every action.
Everyone has flaws that make them who they are. Those with a tendency to get heated quickly might have the upsides of being opinionated, having strong values and feeling like a large enough person to take up space. Someone who gets stressed to a fault might have a tendency towards caring deeply about their lives or others.
These tendencies do not need to be targeted as an issue in themselves. If one targets one issue they have, that thing is not likely to go away by forced mechanical removal of it. In my experience, positive traits can only come through learned experience if they do not occur to someone naturally.
Studies on self-compassion show that people are more likely to experience positive growth when they respond to their flaws with understanding and patience rather than harsh correction, according to MDPI.
One cannot tell oneself “be less angry, anger is bad” or “be less socially anxious because it keeps you from experiencing new things and having fun” and experience success in weeding out these traits. In fact, the more space and acceptance one gives themselves, the less likely they are to cause those things to be an issue.
There is a balance to be found between wanting to be good and leaving oneself the space to grow. Learning through the space and being forgiving enough to oneself allows a person to grow organically rather than mechanically.
___________________
Follow the Graphic on X: @PeppGraphic
Contact Mahali Kuzyk via email: mahali.kuzyk@pepperdine.edu
