Transparency Item: The Perspectives section of the Graphic is comprised of articles based on opinion. This is the opinion and perspective of the writer.
“Grief is love with nowhere to go.”
I think that saying is true and can be a helpful way to frame it, but I also believe grief encompasses so much more than just love with nowhere to go.
One can define grief as a “deep sorrow, especially that is caused by someone’s death,” according to Oxford Learners Dictionaries. It, unfortunately, is an experience almost every person will have several times in their life.
Grief forces us to consider our own mortality and reflect on the way we have spent our lives thus far. It disrupts the future we were anticipating for ourselves and the people around us.
Grief is uncomfortable, it’s frustrating, it hurts, and once you are in it, it feels impossible to escape.
In my experience grief is not something that suddenly goes away — unlike the way it can occur — but it changes form as we gain distance from the initial instant in which it occurred.
Separate from processing the emotions themselves, which are hard to define and look different for each person, there are several other challenging elements that people face.
In my experience, some of the most common responses are being hard on oneself, lashing out at other people, trying to establish some sense of reality or, if you are watching your friend go through grief, navigating what to do and say.
Grief is messy. When in the thick of grieving, nothing feels normal.
The thoughts and actions one displays may feel inappropriate and illogical. Oftentimes, people are in shock and try to over intellectualize the pain of losing someone, according to Sudden, a grief coping site for those who experience the sudden death of a loved one.
The desire to know the specific details surrounding a loved one’s death can feel erroneous, but one way people often try to cope with loss is to understand every detail of the situation to try to make sense of something that is tragic.
Grief can feel like brain fog. It can feel like everything is fine, and then one small, unrelated thing goes wrong, and all of a sudden, there are distraught feelings.
Grief can feel like irrational anger toward the people around you who don’t seem nearly as affected. It can feel like an unrelenting weight on one’s chest.
All of that is normal even though none of it feels right. Be patient with the rollercoaster of emotions.
I have found it helpful to be gentle in the way I judge my emotions. Grief is just as physical as it is mental as it is emotional. It occupied me in ways I never would have anticipated.
Just as it is important to be patient with oneself, it is important to try to extend empathy toward other people who are also in the midst of grief. Some people are poor communicators.
Others may suddenly need a lot of attention or comfort. Some may ignore it altogether and continue on as if nothing has happened, and some may cease to function for a considerable amount of time.
Grief is a time to lean into empathy and compassion for others because the reactions that people have are often involuntary.
In the wake of tragedy, one of the best ways to gain a sense of “normalcy” is to strive for routine, whether that is the one that you had prior to a loss or a new one. That can be as simple as waking up at the same time every day and going on a walk with a roommate or friend, returning to a normal class schedule or calling a parent every Sunday morning.
Routines offer stability, which is crucial in times of intense grieving because it connects people to the other areas of our life and can give people a sense of control.
A skill that can often materialize during grief is learning how to self-care. That can be through journaling to release emotions, having a go-to playlist or album that is soothing or discovering a comfort show and snack.
Learning self-soothing is not a consolation, but it teaches a person about themselves.
If a friend is in the thick of grief, here are some tips:
Sometimes, it is as simple as asking what someone may need. Each person responds differently, and it is impossible to anticipate exactly what someone wants when in times of crisis.
- Pay attention to significant dates or important upcoming events. It is easy to set a reminder in Google Calendar to call or text a person on a regular basis or on a specific day that could be particularly challenging.
- Take your friend out to dinner or bring them a hot meal. It may seem like a cliche, but one of the first things people neglect when they are mourning is self-care. Taking a task off a friend’s plate can relieve a lot of stress.
- An often overlooked effort is simply sitting with a friend and listening. It’s not necessary to know what to say. Many people find comfort in talking through their feelings to someone who is willing to listen.
As we slowly settle into the new reality without our friend or loved one, the next daunting task can be figuring out how to make that person feel close to us. In my experience, the best way to do that is to continue to do the activities you used to do with them.
Whether that is watching a certain movie, going on a specific hiking trail or making that special drink that you enjoyed with them. For a long time, that feels painful, but slowly, it turns into a ritual that can be relied on when the person who has passed feels especially far away.
Another painful but effective way to honor someone who has passed is to continue to talk about them, the things they enjoyed and what their thoughts would be on any given topic. It can make that person feel a part of the present even if they are not physically there.
One of the few areas of grief that is widely talked about is the idea of the five stages of grief. This phrase can give the impression that the emotions occur consecutively, but oftentimes, this is not the case.
Unfortunately, with grief, it is usually most accurate to expect the unexpected. No two experiences are identical, and thus, there is not one method that will rid everyone of the heartache.
To any person who finds themselves in the midst of grief right now, I offer my most sincere condolences. Grief is a process with both progress and regression.
Lean on loved ones, determine how to create a sense of stability and try to muster the strength to endure. Additionally, utilize the resources Pepperdine has to offer such as The Counseling Center, if professional help seems beneficial.
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Follow the Graphic on Twitter: @PeppGraphic
Contact Fiona Creadon via email: fiona.creadon@pepperdine.edu or on Instagram: @Fiocreao
