By Kyle Jorrey
Sports Editor
America is a nation that loves a fool.
Whether it’s who we put on our talk shows, who we listen to on the radio, or even who we elect for president, the citizens of this country take great joy in seeing common people do uncommonly stupid things, especially if that stupid thing includes risking one’s own life.
So much so, that watching someone risk his or her life doing something stupid has in fact become a kind of spectator sport, and those who do the most incredibly stupid and life-threatening things, have the best chance for celebrity.
Take for instance Kirk Jones, 40, of Canton, Mich. At about the same time others his age were just getting to work Tuesday, Mr. Jones sent himself headfirst over the 180-foot high Niagara Falls — in just a T-shirt and jeans. Spectators said Jones went tumbling over the world-famous falls, which spill more than 100,000 gallons of water a second, without panic or fear, but with a smile on his face.
Four minutes later this daring diver arrived on shore as the first person known to have survived the fall without any safety devices. He was promptly led away in handcuffs and charged with illegally performing a stunt.
Something tells me I know why Jones was smiling.
No sooner had he arrived in jail, than media outlets around the nation began airing his story to millions. Suddenly, people were hell-bent on finding out who this “insane” man was – why did he do it, what was he thinking, what was it like? By that evening, this guy had made more news reports than the Yankees-Marlins World Series.
I suppose this kind of fame is a small reward considering the risk Jones took, but something tells me this middle-age man had this media attention in mind before he took that fateful fall.
After all, if you can’t make it in politics or the movies, in professional sports or in business, I guess the next best thing to gain celebrity in this country is to throw yourself off a 180-foot waterfall. Sure, it’s not nearly as life-threatening as jumping, let’s say, off the Sears Tower wearing only a three-piece suit, but it’s no walk in the park.
And a life-vest? Ha. Only for the timid. I guess Jones knew if he survived with the whole T-shirt and jeans thing there’s a good chance he could bump Buddy Lee off the airwaves as the new Lee Jeans guy: “Over a thousand pounds of water pressure and these jeans still look like new.”
Who wouldn’t buy those jeans?
Instances like this will continue to be a part of American life as long as people continue to stay interested and as long as fame is valued enough to warrant risking death.
Heck, if Jones was really thinking, he would have broadcast his impending fall over the Internet, alerted national and local news media, and then asked the Niagara Falls park rangers for a cut of the ticket sales. Even better, he could equip himself with one of those handy helmet cameras they use during the X-games and then sold the videos on eBay. Now these would be truly American things to do.
I can still remember the time in middle school when one of my classmates, I think his name was Bryan, announced during our lunch period that he would be jumping off the roof of the school building during recess.
The news spread out through the halls like steroids in a Major League locker room, and by the time recess bell rang, about 30 of us had gathered outside to watch the event take place.
I can’t say for sure why we all arrived, but again, we were all interested to see what would happen, and had little care for the risk involved.
As Bryan appeared on top of the probably 12-foot high wall (remember, we’re talking middle schoolers), he seemed to have his doubts. Then, suddenly, a scream rang out from the back, “Do it!” I heard. Soon, the entire crowd of adolescents began their chant to beckon him onward — “DO it, DO it, DO it, DO it.”
Drama grew, as did the crowd, and it seemed certain Bryan was about to make the jump and plunge himself into middle school lore. That’s just when our principal, a Mr. Leipzeig, snatched little Bryan by the back of his shirt and dragged him off to his office.
Word was he got a week’s worth of detention, and never again would a student attempt the jump, at least in such a public manner. We were all disappointed, to say the least, but in that moment I learned an important lesson, and one that certainly applies today.
Fame and fortune, or in this case, popularity, just isn’t worth risking your life, or limbs over. Sure, if you make it you’ll get your 15 minutes, but if you don’t, you’re just some idiot who fell over Niagara Falls in a T-shirt and jeans. What a way to a go.
Remember this next time you catch Mr. Jones on “Oprah” talking about his historic feat.
Football, basketball, hockey, those are spectator sports worth watching. Giving a care about some middle-age dude falling over Niagara Falls – that’s for fools.
Now what time is he going to be on CNN?
October 23, 2003