Aries
(March 21 – April 19)
All the pieces will come together this month, but they will come in the form of a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. Find your corner pieces.
Taurus
(April 20 – May 20)
It would be wise to remember the Alamo this week, preferably in a dramatic reading.
Gemini
(May 21 – June 20)
Avoid thongs (the shoe). Underwear OK.
Cancer
(June 21 – July 22)
Why not start quilting?
Leo
(July 23 – August 22)
This month you will at some point have the power to control one mosquito for a maximum of 30 seconds. Use it well in your plans of conquest.
Virgo
(August 23 – September 22)
Opportunity is a doggy-door this month; you may need Vaseline to get your hips through.
Libra
(September 23 – October 22)
The moon is in your part of the sky. Risk trying the new Nature’s Edge beet dish.
Scorpio
(October 23 – November 21)
Treat a bird well somehow this month for an extra blessing from above.
Sagittarius
(November 22 – December 21)
Machines are stealing your Facebook information. On the mobile app, go to “Settings,” “Security,” then “Active Sessions” to log them all out.
Capricorn
(December 22 – January 19)
Tell the joke to your crush! S/he’ll totally think it’s funny…
Aquarius
(January 20 – February 18)
Little high, little low, Little hey, little ho.
Pisces
(February 19 – March 20)
You will have a successful banking career whether you like it or not.
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