Daniel Johnson
Art Editor
The Internet is an amazing thing. I would like to personally thank Al Gore for his accomplishment, if I weren’t afraid that this invention would open the floodgates to ads trying to sell me a penis pump and suggest I need implants, which brings me to my topic.
I just got an e-mail with a proposition. Apparently there are a slew of sexually crazed housewives who “want me now.” This is supposedly a limited time offer. You might be thinking, “What could possibly go wrong with this proposition?” Well, let me guarantee that there are a couple catches to this seemingly flawless situation.
As it turns out these women don’t actually care about my situation at all. After a polite refusal of their shameless advances women are still offering to have sex with me via e-mail. And despite the promise that these women are “shy”, “innocent”, and (can you believe this) “wholesome” these aren’t the kind of women I’d like to bring home to mom. This is why instead of thanking Al Gore I would like to thank whoever came up with that PepXpress spam filter.
I know it can be annoying at times. There are those of you who get one or two questionable messages per “Spam Filter” e-mail. This makes the filter just as annoying as the spam, but those of you in that innocent predicament should think of me. Every spam filter e-mail contains 15 to 20 unsavory communications filtered for my convenience.
You might think that a computer savvy individual such as myself should be able to handle a little problem like unwanted e-mail. This is not the case.
So after systematically deleting public relations announcements and forwarded e-mails offering me free iPods, I was scrutinizing one of my many offers from women interested in having a relationship with me. To my surprise, I saw the option to remove my address from their mailing list. In a moment of pure optimism I clicked to withdraw my subscription to this bawdy service. Several thousand embarrassing pop-ups later, I was less confident about my choice.
After that day, I really started receiving e-mails. Now I receive anywhere between 20 to 40 dirty e-mails daily. On the plus side, I can also purchase some cheap Viagra.
I am a big fan of technology. I’m not about to express my love in the form an augmented song “Always and Forever,” but I’m still a pretty big fan. However, I would like to say that there is way too much smut on the Internet, but I’m sure every one of you knows this already. The three of you who didn’t know the sorry condition of the World Wide Web must be too busy scrambling with your Ethernet cables to pay attention to my opinion anyways.
While smut is obnoxious, I have no problem with the simple existence of databases of sorority girls that I can access when I so desire. I believe that the Internet is an open forum for every form of free speech imaginable. This includes everything from my columns to Al Gore’s personal blog. Despite my love and support of free speech I do not need to be forced to receive a daily update on the opportunities that “Mad2Luv” can offer me.
So my message to whoever is responsible for my bloated inbox is this: “You can just keep on sending your nasty e-mails, because I have the Pepperdine spam filter. Thus, your propositions will go unread.”
To the person who created that wonderful piece of software: I am forever indebted to you. If I ever get my free iPod I’ll give it to you.
2-3-2005