Heather Cloud
Staff Writer
Unless you are like me, and have every episode of ÒMartha Stewart LivingÓ on video tape (donÕt judge me), youÕre probably panicking about what to do this Thanksgiving, now that MarthaÕs in the federal pokey. From the menu, to the table decorations, to the 47-layer pumpkin cheesecake, doing Thanksgiving without Martha is a terrifying prospect. But donÕt panic! By following just five simple steps, you can recreate the kind of nearly-perfect but not-quite-good enough-for-Martha Thanksgiving you need.
Step One: Start Preparing
The key to a Martha Thanksgiving is months and months of preparation. Martha knows what to do and when to do it, which makes her magnificent. Like her, you should make a calendar of Thanksgiving related events, such as the day you need to start defrosting your beet leaves. You should have already started growing your green beans, yams, potatoes and herbs. If you havenÕt stated yet, you can purchase these goods from an overpriced grocery store just before Thanksgiving, but know that if the children cry, itÕs all your fault.
Step Two: Study
MarthaÕs books are the lifelines to her during her unfortunate incarceration, and in this case, you can catch up if youÕre behind Ñbut only if you throw preparations into high gear. IÕm talking Òpaper on Mary ShelleyÕs Frankenstein is due tomorrow, and I donÕt even know where my book isÓ high gear. Yeah, itÕs that serious. As the Confucian scholars studied the Five Classics, so should you study MarthaÕs works. Only through memorization of what the master has written may we too reach true turkey basting knowledge.
Step Three: Scale down.
Only make recipes that have fewer than 37 steps and require fewer than four hours to make. If youÕre having guests stay with you, buy their bed linens instead of sheering the sheep, and weaving the sheets yourself. When you are faced with the decision of making three kinds of stuffing or five, well, still go with the five because you can only cut so many corners before you ruin Thanksgiving all together.
Step Four: Reclaim your glue gun
During MarthaÕs absence, many of us have unfortunately relegated our glue guns to the bottom of our well-organized craft drawers. I know that hot gluing Thanksgiving themed things together just isnÕt the same without Martha leading the way, but you have to come together with your gun: itÕs what Martha and Thanksgiving want. So as you make your finishing touches on dinner, donÕt forget the ever-important mini-pumpkin, cinnamon, anise star and sage door wreath that both welcomes your guests and firmly says, ÒYes, I am master of the hot glue gun.Ó
Step Five: Enjoy the holiday
And by ÒenjoyÓ I mean Òwork so hard you want to barf.Ó If thereÕs still skin on your hands, thereÕs still bacteria in that pot. If you canÕt see yourself in your gleaming floors and silverware, donÕt look in the mirror because it will only be a disappointment. If someone doesnÕt say to you, Òwhy donÕt you sit down?,Ó Òmy God, this green bean casserole is fantasticÓ and Òstop it, youÕre scaring me,Ó youÕre just kicking Martha while sheÕs down. Martha expects more of you than that. If someone isnÕt neurotic by the time Thanksgiving is over, it just wasnÕt Thanksgiving at all.
So as you go out to take on hopefully what will be the only Thanksgiving sans Martha, just know that she is with you in spirit, and sheÕs watching, so make her proud. Make her proud.
11-11-2004
