Sarah Pye
Editor in Chief
Halloween. What a bizarre holiday. At no other time of the year are children allowed to scamper about their neighborhoods, panhandling door to door for candy. Under normal circumstances, any sane parent would forbid such behavior, but on Halloween it is encouraged. However, as pseudo-grown-ups, most of us have now come to terms with the fact that we’re too old to look cute dressed as Spiderman. So what options does that leave us with on Halloween? Why, wreaking havoc, of course. But playing a good practical joke isn’t easy – it takes a lot of planning and even more creativity to be truly cruel on this most evil of holidays. However, the rewards gained from executing the perfect practical joke can be endless.
Step One: Chose your target
Generally when choosing a target for your practical joke, the optimal strategy is to find someone weak and unable to fight back. This is the preferred method of schoolyard bullies everywhere, and with good reason. You don’t want to pick on some 300-pound gorilla who is going to retaliate by relieving you of some of your more important limbs. You want to pick on the scrawny kid who still goes by “Stevie” and who’s not particularly well liked by others. But don’t pick a guy who’s too helpless, because then people might start to feel sorry for him. The ideal candidate would be someone who a) does still wear headgear, but b) does not have an incurable disease. That way it’s just a good laugh to be had by all – well, except for Stevie, of course.
Step Two: Find accomplices
A truly superb practical joke cannot be pulled off by one man alone. But choose your accomplices wisely – as cool as your RA may be, he is not the ideal candidate to help you fill Stevie’s room full of KFC coleslaw. Generally, when you assemble your team, ask yourself, “Which of my friends has a criminal record?” Connections to the mob are helpful. These are the people you want to have as your accomplices: They already know how to do all the dirty work, and they make great scapegoats if the police get wise to your plan.
Step Three: Create a strategy
Before you decide what your actual practical joke is going to be, think logistics for a minute. There’s no use putting a lot of planning and effort into Stevie’s humiliation and eventual social ostracism if there’s no one around to witness it. So pick a good spot for your plan – the Caf is always a popular locale, although that’s been done. Get creative and remember: “High visibility” is the key. Center field at Dodger Stadium is always a good option, though it’s hard to book. National television is also good, but stay away from cable channels — the viewership there is too limited. For rookies, starting out smaller might be the way to go. What you lack in quantity of viewers can be made up for in quality, so if you can’t draw a crowd, try embarrassing your victim in front of several of his close personal friends and relatives (or, better yet, his new girlfriend).
Step Four: Choose your plan
Once you’ve picked a target, found a locale and secured the help of Vinnie “The Fish” LaRone, it’s time to decide on the ideal practical joke. Don’t even think about a “kick me” sign – your plans should involve, at minimum, a grappling hook and night-vision goggles. Bonus points if it involves snipers or anyone repelling off the side of the TAC. Think big and take lots of chances. If you pull this off, you will go down in the annals of practical-joke history, and Stevie will be forced to flee the state.
Step Five: Get Stevie!
The day of your attack, wake early and make sure to eat a hearty breakfast – pulling off a practical joke takes energy only carbs can provide. Today is not the day to start on Atkins. After wolfing down some pancakes (go for the full stack), it’s time to focus. Taking an hour for meditation and prayer is a good way to mentally prepare for the task ahead. Try channeling the wisdom of famous practical jokers such as Robin Williams or the Portuguese (really – the Internet says they’re known for it) for extra inspiration. When you feel as though you’re ready, it’s time to put the plan into action. And remember, if you see the squad cars coming, it was all Vinnie’s idea.
Step Six: Time to run
The satisfaction you feel the moment after you’ve perfectly executed your practical joke (and are taking time to enjoy a hearty laugh while Stevie contemplates changing his name), will give you an idea of what medical researchers felt when they discovered the cure to polio. However, this is no time to sit still and contemplate the greatness that is you. It’s time to make a run for it. Stevie may be weak and pale, but it’s not going to take him long to figure out who was behind his humiliation. And once he figures it out, beware, because it won’t be long before Public Safety is at your door. To avoid uncomfortable hearings in front of the JRC, skip town and hang out in the Bahamas for a while. It will give you the perfect opportunity to plan your next great practical joke.
10-28-04
