The Graphic’s Step-By-Step Guide to All Things
How to share your room (by any means necessary!)
Sarah Pye
Editor in Chief
As a new student at Pepperdine, you have probably already engaged in a myriad of time-honored new-student activities, the foremost of which is of course being assaulted by orange-clad NSO counselors who appear to be on high-powered smile-enhancing drugs that are illegal in 46 states. And, of course, there is also the ceremonial meeting of your new roommate. With that in mind, we at the Graphic thought that it was our duty, as wise upper-classmen, to provide you with some helpful “getting along” tips. Of course, it should be noted that we at the Graphic have little to no experience with successfully convincing roommates to like us. We at the Graphic have been known to drive roommates to transfer to schools in entirely different time zones. But no matter. We at the Graphic have sought counseling and have successfully dealt with our abandonment issues. Anyway. We’re here to help. On with the steps!
Step One: Minimize
Let’s get this out in the open right up front: Nothing will annoy your new Pepperdine roommate more than your belongings. Think about it: Even when you’re not there, your stuff is. Wet towels, dirty dishes, that terrarium that your Aunt Sue thought would be the perfect project for those first lonely months of college – it all may seem necessary to you, but to your roommate, all that clutter is annoying, disgusting or just plain creepy. So the first step to roommate success? Become a minimalist. If the only things that occupy your side of the room are a toothbrush and a stick of deodorant, all the more success you will have at winning your roommate’s heart.
Step Two: Shhh
One of the easiest ways to work your new roommate up into a frenzy is to make a lot of noise. Luckily, in your great Step 1 quest to rid yourself of personal belongings, you should have eliminated many potential noise-making agents, such as your stereo and CD collection, your blow dryer and all of those lovely instant messenger-related sounds associated with your laptop. So without any artificial noisemakers about, all you have to really worry about are noises emitted from your person. This includes any rustling, humming, sniffling, speaking, breathing or other voluntary or involuntary sounds you may be tempted to discharge during the day or night. Snoring, especially, will not be tolerated.
Step Three: Don’t Smell Yucky
Remember that previous warning not to part with your toothbrush and anti-perspirant? Well, in the world of keeping roommates happy, these items are so important that they warrant their own step in the guide. Really, there is very little that’s worse than becoming known as the smelly kid in your suite. Personal hygiene is a must here, people. We suggest showering several times daily. Of course, the downside to this will be all that valuable study time you waste air-drying, because of course you won’t be allowed to posses any wet towels. But such is the price of popularity.
Step Four: Give Gifts
One way to win almost anyone over is to give them lots of large and expensive gifts. However, gift giving can be tricky, because there is a very fine line between what is considered “sweet” and what will make your roommate start searching for your picture on the FBI Web site. Gifts must be planned in advance and carefully tailored to meet the specific needs and desires of your new roommate. Or you can just leave him or her large, impersonal sums of cash. That is what we at the Graphic would do, assuming, of course, that we at the Graphic discovered a secret reserve of oil beneath the News Desk and we all became billionaires. But we digress.
Step Five: Transfer
The best way to make your roommate think you’re the coolest? Wait just long enough for all of the housing assignments to be permanent, and then transfer to another school. Far away. Where no one has ever heard of Pepperdine. Your former roomie will be left with none of the bother of having to share a tiny living space with an individual unknown to them, and all of the fun of converting the now-empty second bed into a couch. Of course, if transferring is absolutely not an option, you could always just tell your roommate that you’ve decided to transfer and then move into a tent in Alumni Park instead. And hey, if our new roommates hate us, can we at the Graphic move into that tent with you? We promise not to snore.
08-30-2004