I witnessed domestic abuse as a child. Ray Rice’s physical abuse of his then fiancée, Janay Palmer Rice, hit too close to home, for myself and the thousands of others who have experienced or witnessed domestic abuse.
When I was in third grade I lived in a domestic violence shelter with my mom and two younger brothers. This shelter was designed to be a safe, hideaway for women (specifically) escaping from their abusers.
The fact is that domestic abuse is not a rare occurrence. It is not simply the highly publicized instances seen on television or the internet. It happens to both men and women of every sexual orientation, nationality, ethnicity, religion and socio-economic status. There are far more Janay Palmer Rice’s out there than there ever should be.
In the United States, “one in four women and one in seven men 18 years or older have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime,” according to National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) in 2013. But abuse is not always severe physical violence.
Types of Abuse
So, what exactly is domestic abuse? In fact 95 percent of abuse reported to the NDVH was emotional and verbal abuse. This type of abuse “includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation or stalking,” according to LoveIsRespect.org. Emotional abuse is just as much domestic abuse as violence is.
Physical violence was reported in 70 percent of cases. This type of abuse “is any intentional and unwanted contact with you or something close to your body” (LoveIsRespect.org). This can include hair pulling grabbing, pushing or pulling you, smacking your bottom or forcing you to leave or go somewhere through physical force. Physical abuse is not always painful and it does not always leave physical evidence, but it is always abuse.
Sexual violence was reported in eight percent of cases. Sexual abuse “refers to any action that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually they don’t want to do. It can also refer to behavior that impacts a person’s ability to control their sexual activity or the circumstances in which sexual activity occurs, including oral sex, rape or restricting access to birth control and condoms” according to LoveIsRespect.org. And just because the victim doesn’t resist doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.
Emotional and verbal, physical and sexual abuse are not the only types of domestic abuse however.
Economic abuse occurs when an abusive partner “[takes] control or manipulates the victim’s finances in order to wield power or control over him or her.” According to the NDVH 20,000 victims reported this types of abuse.
Digital abuse, according to LoveIsRespect.org, “is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online.” The celebrity nude photo assault could be categorized as this type of abuse, although at the hands of a complete stranger.
When someone “repeatedly watches, follows or harasses you, making you feel afraid or unsafe,” this is stalking, which is another form of abuse. This can occur at the hands of someone familiar to the victim or a complete stranger.
Multiple types of abuse can and often do occur at the same time to one victim.
English speaking U.S. citizens are not the only individuals who experience domestic abuse. Nearly 5,000 victims who contacted the NDVH were struggling with issues related to immigration in 2013 and 6,300 of those who contacted the hotline were non-English speakers.
“Nearly one in three college women say they have been in an abusive dating relationship” according to the NDVH. For women at Pepperdine dating abuse may be a reality as well. It can happen to anyone, anywhere.
This includes male victims who are often ignored in the conversation on domestic abuse. According to DomesticViolenceStatistics.org “men are more likely to be victims of attacks with a deadly weapon” with “63% of males as opposed to 15% of females [having] had a deadly weapon used against them in a fight with an intimate partner.”
Many criticized Janay Palmer Rice for staying, yet for one who has never experienced any sort of abuse, her actions cannot be judged or understood. She needs empathy.
Victims do not always report their abuse and many victims choose to stay. Some victims also die at the hands of their abusers. Victims choose not to report their abuse or choose to stay with their abuser for many complicated reasons. Conflicting emotions including fear of being outed, low self-esteem, embarrassment and love, among others is one reason why someone might choose not to report or stay. Pressure, distrust of authorities or reliance on the abusive partner are other reasons a victim might stay or not report.
For a long time, my mother tried to keep the abuse she was going through secret, but when the abuse began to be directed at me she decided enough was enough. We spent an entire summer at the shelter. One of my younger brothers celebrated a birthday while there and my grandfather passed away. It was a traumatic experience to go through and yet if my mother hadn’t had the strength to get us out I wouldn’t be the person I today.
If you know or suspect that someone you know and care about is in an abusive relationship support them. Don’t blame them for staying, but support them. Support is what many times gives a victim the courage to get out and report.
If you are in an abusive relationship, know that what is happening to you is not something you deserve. It may seem nearly impossible to get out of your situation but know that there are resources for you. There are people who will support you and help you. There are people who will keep you safe and help you to heal.
Resources
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) = the only 24/7 national hotline that provides direct services to anyone affected by domestic violence. Call 1-800-799-7233 for support.
- LoveIsRespect.org = partnerships between Break the Cycle and the Nationals Domestic Violence Hotline; the ultimate resource to engage, educate and empower youth and young adults to prevent and end abusive relationships
- Break The Cycle = the leading voice dedicated to the prevention of dating abuse
- Men Web
- The Pepperdine Counseling Center
- Family and Friends
- Local law enforcement
- Your healthcare provider
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Follow Breanna Grigsby on Twitter: @Bre_Louise
