By: Sarah Pye
Living Editor
If there’s one thing that Russia needs, it’s looser drinking laws.
But now, according to a recent Associated Press article, the stringent Russian laws regulating alcohol consumption have been loosened to allow drinkers “one for the road” before driving home.
According to the article, the relaxation of the law was designed to bring Russian regulations into line with those of “other European countries,” which allow citizens to consume small amounts of alcohol before getting behind the wheel.
Apparently, in other recent news, Russia has been relocated to Europe.
Now, I would consider my political affiliation to most closely resemble libertarianism (“Good in Theory, Lousy in Practice since 1867!”). As such, I have to applaud the Russians for taking yet another useless law off the books — I mean, c’mon, who did drunken driving ever really hurt anyway?
(Please note: Drinking and driving is a BAD thing! I am in no way condoning this — be sure to note my sarcastic tone when describing the situation. Step away from your computers — do not write me angry emails!)
In this spirit, to honor the strides made in law-making by our Russian counterparts, I think Americans should start closely examining our legal policies. It’s high time some reforms were made, and who could be more qualified than a newspaper columnist to get the ball rolling?
And so, without further hesitation, I hereby propose the following amendments to the laws of this great nation:
1. Grocery strikes should be more closely regulated. Now, a week ago, I might have said that they should be outlawed. This was at the point when I was forced to subsist on canned lentils and Tab cola, because I was totally out of food and desperate.
However, once I finally got up the courage to cross the picket lines at the grocery store, I have to say I was sorely disappointed.
I had sort of hoped for irate bag boys screaming obscenities and throwing spoiled vegetables, like all self-respecting picketers do on bad made-for-T.V. movies.
Instead, all I got was one bored-looking woman standing outside of Ralphs with her protest sign.
Crossing the “line of one” just didn’t have the war zone-like impact I had expected. Plus, I am highly offended by the terrible grammar exhibited on the picket signs:
“Ralphs employees on locked out.”
Come on, now, people. You cannot expect me to jump on your bandwagon if it contains such poorly chosen prepositions. I have my standards, after all. So either strikers need to step it up a notch, or let’s just call the whole thing off.
2. Our army should be required to adopt the style of marching exhibited by the North Korean army. Anyone who’s seen footage of this on the news understands. If there is one word I’d use to describe the message conveyed by this particular type of march, it would definitely be “menacing.”
I’m sorry, but “Be all you can be” and “An army of one” just do not convey this level of menace — not to mention our frankly rather pansy-looking uniforms. I say if we’re going to be the No. 1 military force in the world, we had better start looking the part. I would also recommend heightened use of black leather and the skull and crossbones logo.
3. We should change the national anthem to Phil Collins’ 1981 hit “In the Air Tonight.” When Phil sings the immortal lines: “Well, I remember, I remember don’t worry/ How could I ever forget it’s the first time the last time we ever met,” well, I think that just about sums up what this great nation is all about.
And really, who understands all that nonsense about “o’er the ramparts we watched”? Am I the only one forced to pause at all major sporting events and meditate on the fact that no one since 1794 has understood what a “rampart” is? It’s definitely time to bring our anthem into the 21st century, and what better way than with classic 1980s pop hits?
So, Pepperdine community, I urge you to rally behind me in pursuit of these reforms. I cannot do it alone, but, if joined by each and every one of you, I sincerely believe that we will very likely have no impact whatsoever. Now that’s democracy.
October 23, 2003