Heather Cloud
Staff Writer
So we all knew that Valentine’s Day was just a vast conspiracy among card companies, jewelers, chocolate makers and florists to make single people depressed and attached people poor. So as informed, intelligent people, we should feel absolutely no guilt about not indulging in this vicious cycle of debt and depression, and instead take solace in our frugality and unwavering sense of self-worth. That having been said, we know that nothing can bring down a day faster than one of those love-sick losers who wasn’t enlightened enough to realize that happiness couldn’t possibly be a dozen roses and a card with a puppy on the front. But never fear! We are here to help you combat those who had a great Feb. 14 by creating the illusion of Valentine’s romance for yourself.
Step one: Love interest
The most basic step of a fantastic Valentine’s Day was, of course, a fantastic Valentine. Now, there are two camps of Valentine’s Day abstainers, the first having no Valentine, the second having a bad one. Either way, the key to making a credible sappy love interest is to keep them far away so no one can question your late-onset Valentine spirit. If you were without a Valentine, claim that your paramour (by the way, I looked up the definition of “paramour” and it means “fancy man”) was out of town for the actual day, and that he or she has just recently returned to sweep you off your feet. If you were with a significant other who turned out to be not so significant, then claim that he or she wanted to surprise you, and not to do the cliché thing of celebrating Valentine’s Day on Valentine’s. Please, who celebrates Valentine’s on Valentine’s? So last year.
Step two: Buy half off
Once you’ve got the love interest covered, the next most important things about Valentine’s Day are just that — things. And the best part about this step is that now that V-day is over, you can get twice the love for half the price. Run yourself down to Sav-on or Vons and stock up on as many chocolates, stuffed animals, cards and heart-shaped things as you can — the bigger and less tasteful, the better. Valentine’s isn’t about understatement, and your pretend significant other will want to lavish you with the most lace and sequins you can find. When you are doing this, however, make sure you go in disguise, because the only thing sadder than buying Valentines for yourself is buying discount-drugstore Valentines for yourself almost a week later.
Step three: Be seen
Yes, be seen, but not with the actual person, because when they don’t exist, people will know your Valentine’s was less than ideal. Instead, make sure to keep some Valentine’s Day treat in your constant presence as a steady reminder of how great your day was. Offer people candy, tell them that you have so much you couldn’t possibly eat it all yourself. When you take out the garbage, be sure to have some dead flowers on the top, or drop some red tissue paper on your way. Refuse to sleep or watch television unless you have a stuffed animal to hold by your side. Remember, you’re in a fight here, and you must be shameless. (And if we’re being perfectly honest here, honor-less and dignity-less as well.)
Step four: Break up
The last step to convincing people that you had the greatest Valentine’s Day ever is to break up with your imaginary significant other. This is key because 1) people start to get suspicious about boyfriends and girlfriends who are both perfect and absent, 2) you have to put all your energy into getting ready for the festivities of President’s Day (those stove-top construction-paper hats won’t make themselves, people), and 3) nothing alludes to a fantastic Valentine’s Day like the incredible and swift fallout afterwards. Claim that you were just so overwhelmed by the magnificence of Valentine’s Day, that the relationship had reached its pinnacle and couldn’t be sustained at that level of romance. If you believe it yourself, no one will question you. OK, people may question you, but if you start to cry, no one will mention it again. (I know this works because to this day, my parents still don’t trust the cat.)
Step five: Fake it
So now that you are armed with all you need to make people believe you had a great Valentine’s Day, go out into the world my dear friends, and make that fake romance happen!
02-17-2005
