James Riswick
Associate Editor
Seeing as we live in the entertainment capital of the world, figuring out what to do on a weekend night can often seem like a daunting task. I frequently hear stories of people becoming so overwhelmed by the endless number of Los Angeles-area activities that they simply give up, choosing instead to stay at home to play an entire 16-game season of Madden Football 2005. Worse yet, they may stay home and do homework. This is simply unacceptable. To help you prevent such an atrocious evening, tear out this step-by-step guide and you too can spend a spectacular evening out on the town.
Step One: Pick your party
Take a moment to consider with whom you would normally spend a night out. “Well, that would have to be my friend “So and So,” you say. Scratch that idea. Do you honestly think that traveling around with your friend Dave and his girlfriend Kelly is really going to pull enough weight to get you into the “it” places around town? I think not. Instead, it is a much better bet to seek out C-List celebrities. You know, the ones that are next in line to star on “The Surreal Life.”
Just last week I went out with Neal Patrick Harris and the blonde chick from Ace of Base. The perks are surprisingly endless, plus, because of their C-List stature, you don’t have to put up with any self-importance on their part. If Neal or Linn started acting all snooty, all I would have to say is “Hey Doogie” or “Hey, Don’t Turn Around” and they’d be put in their place.
Step Two: Pick your threads
Let’s face it, dressing normally just isn’t going to cut it if you want to look like you fit in the endless swankified digs of Hollywood. You must set yourself apart from the rest by doing something different. Remember, paying a lot is not necessarily the best way to go. Just look at Ashton Kutcher, who would fit in just as well on the Sunset Strip as he would in Possum Hole, Ala. Or take Kevin Federline – looking like a trash bag netted him Britney Spears. This isn’t necessarily the way you should go, but be distinctive. Just think, you could start the next trucker hat craze simply by sporting a frilly tuxedo shirt, or perhaps a snazzy fedora, or even Geordi La Forge-like sunglasses.
Step Three: Pick your ride
Sure, the Honda Accord or Toyota 4Runner are fine automobiles, but when it comes down to a night on the town, you might as well be cruising up to your final destination in a rickshaw. Now, I’m not talking about “Pimp My Ride” here. No matter how many plasma televisions, cappuccino makers or subwoofers the vehicle may have, a Mitsubishi Mirage is still a Mitsubishi Mirage. Instead, nothing south of 60 grand will fly – and even then, that’s pushing it. Anything British is suggested – the more glossy wood and chrome, the better. If not high-end British, then locate a Mercedes with the highest number you can find. It doesn’t matter that a twin-turbocharged 612-hp V12 engine is more power than you could ever need crawling through Hollywood traffic – only that people will be awed at how big a number CL 65 is.
Step Four: Pick your route
Now that you’re in a snazzy, unique outfit with Neal Patrick Harris and Linn Berggren in your AMG Benz, there’s no way you can take the highway — that’s what common people do. They also drive for themselves, so consider hiring a chauffeur. Find the ritzy neighborhoods and the trendy entertainment districts and cruise them slowly, showing off that you know how to properly spend an evening out on the town.
Step Five: Pick your destination
This is by far the easiest step if you have managed to follow my directions up to this point. With all of these criteria accomplished, endless opportunities for a swank, happening evening will fall right into your lap. Look for large groups of people lined up in front of some building. Just pull up in your fine ride with Swedish hotty Linn on your arm (or hunky Neal) and walk through said line like a hot chainsaw through Havarti. If this place doesn’t meet your fancy, instruct your chauffeur (mine was a lovely gent named Cavendish) to take you and your entourage to the next happening location. You’ll eventually find the right spot and your evening will be a wondrous time of trendy merriment. I know, it almost seems too easy, but follow these steps and you too can enjoy a night on the town just like this.
10-07-2004
