Elizabeth Reinking
Staff Writer
So IÕve been hearing this rumor that PepperdineÕs having some budget problems. Now, IÕm not sure if thereÕs any truth behind them, but if so, this could be a big deal. I mean, who knows what the dean could decide is useless? What if they start throwing around crazy ideas like Òwe donÕt need an advertising majorÓ or Òthe Writing Center is a waste of money Ð I learned to write back in elementary school?Ó
In the interest of protecting the integrity of my school, I have decided to step up to the plate. Dean Baird, do not fear, for I, your own highly qualified budgetcutionist, am here to solve any and all money crisis issues.
For starters, letÕs do away with this whole notion of Òbudgets for thisÓ and Òbudgets for thatÓ and Òbudgets for the other thing.Ó I say we take all the money Pepperdine has to offer us and put it in one (admittedly large) bucket. Excellent. We can now cut at will.
OK, I know you are all immediately going to call for the destruction of the poor, innocent palm trees. But personally, I find them integral to our Pepperdine community. No, the palm trees must stay, if only to shield my poor pale German complexion from these annoyingly incessant cloudless 75-degree days.
Now, maintenance costs, this is where the magic will begin. So our campus is pretty clean, right? ThatÕs because we have a small army of extremely helpful Pepperdine staff workers staying up late vacuuming and picking up after the general dirtiness that emanates from college students. IÕm afraid, though, that desperate times call for you-know-what. The maintenance staff must go.
ÒBut no!Ó I hear you cry. ÒIÕll be swimming in my own filth within hours!Ó See, thatÕs the beauty of my plan. Instead of employing legions of efficient maintenance workers, Pepperdine will instead develop a giant chore wheel to set up next to the Rock. WeÕve all been to summer camp, right? We spin the wheel, everyone gets a chore Ð itÕs a great big bonding activity, and the perfect way to keep our campus clean. It will be like Step Forward Day every day of the week. ThereÕs absolutely no way this can backfire.
Since weÕre all going to be spending our free time doing campus maintenance now anyway, it follows that we should do away with all on-campus activities. Oh, pipe down Ð like it wasnÕt the same seven of us going to those things every week anyway. In times of budget crisis such as these, itÕs important to learn to make sacrifices. I will reluctantly permit the Greek system to stay, but only because they are to some degree self-supporting. No need to thank me. And donÕt start whining about how Malibu is Òdull,Ó and that without your Thursday night movies in Elkins youÕd waste away from boredom.
09-30-2004
