‘See you in three months.’
This became the new reality for mother Becky Bondi as she said goodbye to her daughter, sophomore Ava Bondi, at the end of New Student Orientation (NSO).
The Bondis ate dinner together every night at home — but now there was an empty seat at the table.
The transition to college is difficult for students, yet this transition is difficult for parents too. Whether parents are sending their first child off to college or their fourth, empty nest syndrome — which Better Health Channel defined as the grief parents feel when their children move away from home — is a difficult feeling for any parent to grapple with.
“I have a lot of other moms who say things to me like, ‘Wow, how is that? How is she doing? What’s that like?’” Becky Bondi said. “And my standard response is that having a child go to school across the country is not for every student, and is not for every parent. It is a two-fold process.”
Decisions, Decisions
Ava Bondi said she spent her entire life in Westchester, Pennsylvania, before coming to Pepperdine. She knew from a young age that she wanted to come to California for college. After spending 17 years of her life in Pennsylvania, she said she had enough cold weather and knew Southern California was the place for her.
“They [my parents] encouraged me to go out of state, which is not very common,” Ava Bondi said. “They wanted me to have that experience of being a little bit further from home and really getting to know what it’s like to be independent.”
Ava’s mother, Becky Bondi, said she not only supported Ava’s decision, but she had an inkling about it all along, from when Ava was only 5 months old.
“When she was a baby laying in her crib, I so distinctly remember one night going into her nursery and checking on her, and having this incredible sense of presence,” Becky Bondi said. “Someone was telling me or I just had this feeling that she wasn’t always going to be near me.”
Although this sense came to her much earlier than most parents experience it, Becky Bondi said this did not scare her. Rather, it prepared her for Ava’s journey to come, no matter how far away that might take her.
Ava’s father, Greg Bondi, also said he knew years ago that Ava had her sights set on going to college in California. He never had a doubt in his mind that she would take on whatever life threw her way.
“If she was going to be comfortable doing it, we were confident that she could pull it off,” Greg Bondi said.
First-year Ayla-Elea Olsen said she was born in Guatemala, and spent her childhood bouncing back and forth between Guatemala and Norway, where her mother and father lived respectively.
Olsen went to a small high school, and said her mother suggested she find a small college to go to, as it was an environment she was familiar with already.
“My mom wanted me to study in a small school so I could adapt easier,” Olsen said.
In Guatemala, Olsen said family is everything. She is super close with her family and ate every meal with them, just as the Bondis did.
Saying Goodbye
Once the decision had been made, the Bondis faced their new reality: moving their child across the country.
“Taking kids to college is one thing, but taking kids to colleges across the country is like Olympic-level college drop off,” Becky Bondi said.
The Bondis said they faced many difficult decisions when figuring out the logistics of moving their daughter over 2,700 miles away from their home. ‘What do we ship, what do we pack, what do we leave behind?’ were all questions the family faced in the preparation process.
Yet, through all these struggles, Greg and Becky Bondi said they found much relief in Pepperdine’s support.
“Pepperdine does an extremely excellent job in the preparation,” Becky Bondi said. “The whole NSO experience was phenomenal.”
Similarly to the Bondis, Olsen’s mother, Fabiola Morales, said the packing process brought up many challenges for their family. Luckily, they found relief in speaking with others.
“We investigated and talked with other people we knew that had some children overseas, and packed what we could,” Morales said.
Morales said they tried to pack only the most important things. Even with this, the family brought at least five suitcases on the plane with them.
Teacher Education Professor Carrie Wall teaches human development at Pepperdine. She said she has also sent her three daughters to embark on their college journeys at Pepperdine.
“I have seen the typical college student change over the two decades [I have taught here], and I’ve had a front row seat to my own daughters and engaging in that,” Wall said.
Wall said she leads many of the parent sessions that occur doing NSO, engaging in conversations with parents who are sending their child off to college.
“[I tell the parents] as hard as this is, this is what you raised your kid to do,” Wall said. “And how wonderful is it that your kid is going off to college, that they graduated from high school, that they’re independent enough?”
Becky Bondi said she went to several of the parent sessions during NSO, as they gave her a lot of confidence about the things she had natural worries about. After attending these sessions, she said she felt at ease about leaving her daughter behind on her return to Pennsylvania.
As NSO came to a close, the Bondis soon realized it would be time to say goodbye.
“At the goodbye ceremony in the gym, there were definitely some tears shed,” Ava Bondi said.
For Becky Bondi, these emotions came on stronger after the final goodbye.
“It was a lot of adrenaline saying goodbye, but it wasn’t until I got on the plane, like I had to walk across the plane threshold,” Becky Bondi said. “That was the hardest time I’ve ever had to get on a plane.”
Though the goodbye was an emotional time for the entire Bondi family, Greg Bondi said it furthered his belief that he knew Ava could do anything she set her mind to.
“When we left that night, looking at Ava — Ava was confident and ready,” Greg Bondi said. “I think that left us with a certain amount of peace and confidence, as sad as it was to leave and think about her staying and us going home.”
Morales said she felt confident in Pepperdine’s ability to take care of her daughter. Upon her return home without Olsen, the emotions finally set in.
“I did not go in her room for at least a week,” Morales said. “And the day I came in, I was crying.”
A Different Relationship
Greg Bondi said that although sending a kid to college will always be hard, he is grateful his daughter is going to college during a time where technology is so prevalent.
Ava Bondi said that at the beginning of her first year, she kept in constant contact with her parents.
“I was so used to living with them for 18 years, so I was very much in contact with them,” Ava Bondi said.
Yet, as the months went on and their lives got busier, the Bondis said they got used to their new norm of not talking to one another every day.
Every few days, Ava Bondi said she will call or FaceTime with her parents. They update each other on what’s going on in their lives, and it helps relieve the amount of physical distance between them.
“Yes, there’s a physical separation, but there’s not that connection separation,” Greg Bondi said.
Even though they were able to call home during their college years, Becky and Greg Bondi said their experience keeping in contact with Ava is vastly different. They feel grateful for the ease of using FaceTime, as it allows them to be able to see their daughter and read her emotions in a way that phone calls don’t allow for.
Being just a few months into her college experience, this is Olsen’s first time being away from her family for an extended period of time. Though she has adjusted now, she said the first few weeks weren’t easy.
“At the beginning, it was kind of hard for me to not have someone to talk to all the time,” Olsen said. “And it was hard just having to deal with everything alone.”
Luckily, Olsen said she has found ways to remain in contact with her family. She calls her sister every day on her walk to class and prioritizes time to text her mom throughout her busy days.
Unfortunately, Wall said many students feel inclined to continue to go to their parents, even once they are expected to be independent in college. During the first chunk of time away from their parents, students will continue to call them multiple times a day, to a point where they are still reliant on them, regardless of how far away they are.
Yet, this continued reliance is not only the fault of the child, Wall said.
“Part of that is also the fault of the parent, that they allow that,” Wall said. “They like to be needed.”
The Role of the Parent
Wall said the parent plays a massive role in helping their child launch from emerging adulthood into their adulthood years.
Wall said she encourages parents to let their children launch and allow them to come to their parents when they need to, on their own time. She said parents need to resist the urge to solve their child’s problems, and instead be a guiding hand to equip and empower them to solve their own problems.
“Encourage them to connect with campus life, not come home all weekends,” Wall said. “You go home and you’re missing the beauty that is Pepperdine, of building those relationships.”
Becky Bondi emphasizes the idea to her kids that “no one is coming to save you.” Although it can sound harsh, what she’s really telling her children is that she believes in them, and she doesn’t need to swoop in and save the day for them — she believes they are independent, capable beings.
“We were blessed to be her parents, but our job is to help her achieve her goals, not to determine them for her,” Becky Bondi said.
Morales had to quickly come to terms with the fact that her daughter was in another country, which remains a continuous battle. Although she is far away, she said she wants Olsen to know that she is always there for her, even if from a distance.
“I hope even though it’s going to be difficult sometimes, I hope she feels that she can count on us even though we can not be there immediately,” Morales said.
Though it was natural for her to worry for her daughter, Morales said that when leaving Olsen, she had a calming sense that her daughter was going to be OK.
“I think my biggest emotion was pride, but also an inexplicable feeling of gratitude because she was going to be fine,” Morales said. “I hope in my heart that she is fine every day and takes this opportunity to grow and take all the knowledge she can for her future.”
Although Greg and Becky Bondi said they miss Ava while she is in Malibu, they know she is in the right place and find great joy in that.
“I’m thrilled that she is excited to go back. I think one of the most indicative success indicators is when you miss both places,” Becky Bondi said. “When you’re at Pepperdine, you miss home a little bit, and when you’re home, you miss Pepperdine. Both places essentially start to feel like home.”
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Contact Amanda Monahan via email: amanda.monahan@pepperdine.edu
