3.1415
By Sarah Pye
Living Editor
For the past few weeks, I have been giving very serious thought as to which candidate I am going to endorse for the Democratic presidential nomination. And finally, I have made my decision.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “What makes you, Sarah Pye, qualified to single out a politician for the highest political office in this great nation? Don’t you think you’re overstepping the bounds of your knowledge here?”
To you I say: back off. I am an untrained humor columnist, and I think that speaks volumes as to my qualifications.
Anyway, on to the endorsing.
In terms of comic value, the choice seems simple, right? Kucinich all the way, owning to the fact that he is, a) a relatively minor candidate, and b) short.
In addition to offering the smallest of the candidates, the Kucinich campaign also boasts an actual supporter who goes by the name of (I’m not kidding here) “The Star and the Arrow.”
Really. I met “The Star and the Arrow” while attending a Kucinich campaign rally. (Though, to be fair, it can only be called that if you define that word “rally” to mean “about 15 people stuffing envelopes in somebody’s living room in Pacific Palisades.”)
The Star and the Arrow was not very talkative, but she was wearing a pair of leopard-print bifocals and felt no need to offer an explanation for her name, so I liked her OK.
During this rally, I also met a woman who described herself as “not technically legal in this country,” and seemed very concerned that I might put her picture in the newspaper, “where Mr. Bush will see it.” I tried to assure her that W is only an occasional reader of the Graphic, but I don’t think she ever quite believed me.
However, sadly, I can’t put the full weight of my endorsement behind Kucinich, mainly because I want there to be at least some chance that my candidate will actually win.
That’s why today I have decided to officially announce my endorsement of: John.
That’s right, just John. I figure I shouldn’t be too picky about exactly which John I want to win. I mean, let’s not split hairs, here — all these political types start to look alike after a while, right?
And think about it. By just endorsing “John,” you can’t really go wrong. “John,” the name of one of our most beloved presidents, one of our most beloved Waltons, several of our most beloved Biblical characters, and also quite a few people that died in 2003 (Cash, Ritter, Rogers … oh, wait, that last one was a Fred. But it was still a very bad year for guys named John.)
So my official endorsement has to stand with John — although, to tell the truth, I do lean a bit toward Edwards, and not just because I think the “two Americas” thing is the best Democratic hypothetical construct I’ve heard since the “locked box.”
Edwards’ Web site proves his qualifications:
• Edwards hails from an area of South Carolina known cryptically as “the Piedmont.”
• He has recently been endorsed by both the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel and “a leading Fresno newspaper.”
• He has a lovely wife, Elizabeth, whom those of you who are Spanish speakers can learn more about by clicking on the site’s “Conozcan a Elizabeth Edwards” button (“Al igual que su esposo, la Señora Edwards posee un formación juridica destacada.”)
• There are many fun and creative ways to (surprise!) give money to the Edwards campaign. For example, you can participate in “Bring Your Lunch to Work Day,” during which supporters are encouraged to contribute what they would usually spend on lunch to the Edwards campaign. Contributions can be made right over the Internet, and possible donation options range from $5 (“Leftovers from last night”) to $100 (“Lunch for you and a few coworkers”).
• Edwards also has a mother, Bobbie Edwards, a former postal employee, who, if you contribute to her son’s campaign, will personally e-mail you her secret recipe for peanut butter pie with fudge sauce. The minimum contribution required here is $50 — but it must be worth it, because as the Web site says, “The pie. Mmmm … a tasty favorite of the campaign staff.”
So, although any John will do, I think we’ve really got a strong candidate with Edwards. Maybe, if he wins, he’ll get his mom to share the recipe for free. Or at least tell us what the heck “the Piedmont” is.
February 26, 2004