Aubrey Landon
Contributing Writer
The golden, or should I say neon, decade of the 1980s provided posterity with a wealth of decadent and flamboyant cultural staples and icons that changed the world — “Ghostbusters,” “The Terminator,” shoulder pads, perms, the first Macintosh computer, “Thriller,” Depeche Mode, Madonna, Mr. T and the A-Team, synthesizer music, “Punky Brewster,” Ronald Reagan, Hulk Hogan and the Cold War were all, for better or worse, at their prime.
We’d thought that we surpassed the trashy-yuppie mishmash that marred our younger years … but the 80s have suddenly returned in all their chintzy glory. Why, oh why? The chances that we will revert back to sincerely enjoying Wham, playing with Rubik’s cubes, and break-dancing are slim, but why have we allowed even the faintest resurgence of 80s glam into something as sacred (ahem) as the fashion industry?
I suppose that I should begin with a sort of disclaimer. I am not passing judgment, I am not poking fun, and I certainly do not begrudge anyone for participating in the horrible travesties that I am about to mention. I am simply making observations about a social phenomenon that I find … um, interesting. I, too, have bought into the “new” trends. Granted it was purely accidental, but I did recently purchase some iridescent purple mascara. Yeah.
The spirit of the 80s seems to have summoned the rising of the hemline and the destruction of any normal T-shirt. Where did all the fabric go? If I see one more butt cheek, or worse, even the faintest glimpse of a plumber’s crack (I don’t care how cute your little hinny is), I’m going to start carrying a stapler around and secure your clothes to your body, if need be. Oh, and leg warmers? Don’t think for a second that just because you cover your calves, it somehow makes it OK that your derrière is still showing. And, truth be told, it’s 80 degrees outside — should you really be wearing legwarmers anyway? Even if they weren’t totally reminiscent of Jane Fonda’s workout videos, it would still be wrong. But it gets worse: off-the-shoulder shirts, low slung belts, bangles and gigantic plastic earrings have not only made a fresh appearance, but have begun to take over. I still have a pair of hot pink, fluorescent yellow and neon green earrings that I wore as a hot little 6-year-old — one side consists of a scuba mask, snorkel and flipper, and the other, just the flipper — if anyone would like to borrow them.
Standard rule of thumb: You should never wear it seriously if you ever wore it jokingly. We all know that 80s glam is (or was) the quintessential fallback plan for Halloween. You know you’ve done it at least once. Your average, sane person wouldn’t dress up like Elvira for Convocation, so how have we all been so mislead to believe that dressing like a “Dynasty” character is any less absurd? I know we may have managed to skirt around the poodle perms and shoulder pads thus far, but for Pete’s sake — it just seems a little too close for comfort.
And so I and a few other less-than-trend-savvy folks eagerly await the 80s to come and go (again.) I find it funny that those who consider themselves so “fashion forward” are really, if we can be honest, a little upside-down and backwards. Maybe we can eventually work our way back to the even more recent 1990s. At least I’ll still be able to fit into my Nirvana T-shirts and flannels. Until then, my advice to myself and to all others who find even their faintest memories of cone-shaped bustiers to be all too vivid, is to wait it out. This too shall pass.
10-07-2004