President Bush owned the Texas Rangers? Lies, all lies!

James Riswick
Associate Editor

For the past few weeks, it has been widely publicized that a group of Vietnam War veterans has organized a campaign to discredit Sen. John Kerry’s military service record. In a series of ads, the group known as Swift Boat Veterans for Truth speaks out about the lies Kerry told following his Vietnam service — specifically concerning his medal-earning heroism.

In an attempt to even the playing field, another group of Americans has mounted their own smear campaign, only this time with President Bush set in their sights. From 1984 to 1994, Bush was part owner of the mostly unsuccessful Texas Rangers baseball team..

However, according to Baseball Owners for Truth, Bush’s valiant service to the national pastime was in fact only a charade of duplicitous lies and deceit. In a four-part series of TV advertisements, 22 of the 30 Major League Baseball owners testify that they don’t recall ever seeing or even hearing about Bush owning a baseball club. Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria even explains that he thought the Texas Rangers were owned by Chuck Norris.

 “I just couldn’t stand by and let such appalling lies be told to the American public,” Tampa Bay Devil Rays owner Vincent Naimoli said. “The truth is, George W. Bush never had anything to do with the Texas Rangers. I mean come on, he was the son of the president. You’d think I would’ve heard about him. But no, nothing, zilch. It’s all lies I tell you, all lies!”

The ads provide evidence that although Bush attended several games during his alleged service to the team, he often left before the seventh inning stretch. He even left before Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan’s seventh and final no-hitter in 1991, saying that there just weren’t enough runs being scored to keep his attention. There is also extensive evidence presented that shows Bush often smuggled his own snacks into the game.

“Now if that doesn’t prove he was never an owner, I don’t know what will,” Baltimore Orioles owner Peter Angelos said. “I mean first, no owner would support bringing in outside food considering we make 56.5 percent of our profit from our ‘competitively’ priced gourmet ballpark food. Secondly, we owners could have an eight-course lobster and filet mignon dinner with several bottles of Dom Parignon ’67 delivered to our field-side seats by Sports Illustrated swimsuit models if we wanted. There’s no way an owner would opt for a bologna sandwich on Wonderbread over that.”

One ad in particular points out that if the future president of the United States was allegedly running the Rangers, wouldn’t they have been a much more successful winning ball club over the years?

“Considering the amazing job President Bush has done with the American economy these past four years, it’s almost impossible to imagine that an economic disaster like the Rangers could ever have been owned by him,” Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan said. “I mean the Rangers had the second-highest payroll in baseball and finished dead last at the same time. They gave A-Rod a 10-year, $25-million contract for Pete’s sake. That type of spending and economic responsibility just doesn’t fit the reputation of an organization once run by economy and business guru George W. Bush.”

Although 22 of the 30 owners participated in Major League Baseball Owners for Truth, some chose not to participate because they were not owners at the time or were too busy counting their money instead of pay attention to anything else. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner couldn’t find time to participate in the group, considering his Evil Empire is currently hard at work constructing the Death Star.

*Associate Editor’s note: The preceding is quite obviously a load of Crawford, Texas, bull. However, so is challenging a decorated war hero for political gain – even if the Bush-Cheney campaign has denounced the ads. Sure, John Kerry needs to move on from the Vietnam rhetoric – it is in fact old news – but parading up a bunch of Vietnam veterans who had little to no contact with Kerry and who obviously viewed the war very differently from the Democratic candidate is just as ridiculous.

The notion that atrocities were committed by soldiers in Vietnam is nothing new and is certainly not something that John Kerry alone brought to the nation’s attention all those years ago. We’ve all heard about napalming villages and the killing of civilians. The war wasn’t just unpopular because American soldiers were dying. Saying so doesn’t mean that Kerry or anyone else is insinuating that most Vietnam veterans participated in such acts. Far from it, most in fact did not. Rather, it serves as a reminder of how truly awful war is and what perfectly good people can be driven to do. It is the reason John Kerry believes war should only be the last resort. Having said that, Vietnam ended 30 years ago, and I think it’s about time we all move on.

08-30-2004