By: JJ Bowman
Associate Editor
I have learned some valuable information after watching a ridiculous amount of baseball on Fox during the past few weeks. First and foremost, “The OC” will now air on Wednesdays. Also, the next Joe Millionaire must choose among the most gorgeous and spoiled morons ever assembled in Europe. And no one can forget that someone’s “Father is the District Attorney!”
Besides the shameless and incessant self-promotion, Fox pounded another point — both the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs are cursed.
Both teams came within five outs of clinching a trip to the World Series last week, and both imploded in spectacular fashion. The Cubs blew three straight games to the infuriating Florida Marlins (by the way, Miami, this will all be over soon so you can go back to forgetting about your baseball team until the next time they inexplicably enter the Fall Classic). The Red Sox outplayed the Yankees for nearly the entire Game 7, but manager Grady Little demonstrated magnificent stupidity by allowing Pedro Martinez to remain in the game, even though the pitcher’s ability was depreciating faster than the Argentinian dollar.
According to the Fox broadcasters Joe Buck and Tim “Back in My Day” McCarver, the Cubs have been cursed by a man who wanted to bring his goat into a game back when men had pet goats. The Red Sox, on the other hand, must endure “The Curse of the Bambino,” which began when owner Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth in 1918 to the Yankees for $100,000 and some magic beans to be named later. Since the Red Sox lost Ruth, the Yankees have won 26 championships, the Sox have won none. The Cubs too have been without a championship since 1908. With the teams’ heartbreaking histories, of course they are both cursed.
Bull.
First of all, goats do not have supernatural powers. If the man showed up with an angry unicorn or floating wizard then perhaps I’d believe him — but a goat? Please.
Although one can see how a Babe Ruth theory could form, that is total bunk too. I can’t imagine Babe Ruth cared enough to smite the Red Sox. He had far too much drinking, partying and winning to worry about.
Until the Cubs and Red Sox break their streaks of futility, however, these phony allegations will persist.
And anyone watching last week should see that the “curse talk” is phony. The Cubs lost because they were not the best team in the series, their manager relied on the team’s ace starter too long and a few critical bounces did not go their way. The Red Sox lost because Forrest Gump has manifested himself in Grady Little. Grady Gump speaks with a similar Southern drawl, and similar to his counterpart, has a way of making the people (or ballplayers) closest too him calmer and happier. However, whereas Forrest Gump’s luck continued unchallenged, Grady Gump showed that Stupid is as Stupid does. And Stupid made a decision that at least 100 percent of Red Sox fans knew was wrong.
Regardless, both the Red Sox and the Cubs lost, and now their fans will have to shoulder the burden of the curse of negativity that spoiled two fantastic and overachieving teams. This negativity does not come from the fans, but from the media. While Fox executives hoped and prayed for a Sox vs. Cubs World Series, the network pursued the doom and gloom stories relentlessly. For that, they are cursed with the Marlins vs. the Yankees, which means nothing to nearly everyone. If that’s not the case, at least I know this is true: “His Father is the District Attorney!”
October 23, 2003