By Sarah Pye
Staff Writer
There is a phenomenon currently sweeping the nation, one sure to strike fear in the hearts of many, the likes of which has not been seen since the appearance of the “Razor Scooter” on sidewalks nationwide. The situation may soon become so serious that major roadways will jam with the cars of motorists fleeing in terror.
I am, of course, talking about the purple tie.
Once thought to be only a rumor, the existence of the purple tie has now been verified. What’s more, it appears to be taking over the nation; whereas once only the likes of Prince were seen to sport one, they now appear on the necks of businessmen from coast to coast.
There was a similar scare several years ago, when Regis Philbin started an international tone-on-tone tie craze. Philbin, however, was soon taken into protective custody, where he was forced to wear shirts and ties containing upwards of 17 unmatched colors until he recanted all claim to fashionability. The scare was thought to have gone no further.
But the beast was not laid permanently to rest, for it has reared its ugly head once again, in what is quickly becoming known among the international media as Tie Watch 2003.
As if the mere appearance of purple ties on the scene were not alarming enough, the enormity of the situation is compounded by the fact that the tie is often accompanied by a lavender shirt.
Yes! Lavender! What once was a color reserved solely for 8-year-old girls skipping rope through fields of daisies now appears to be the height of men’s fashion.
What has brought on this poor color decision on the part of some of our nation’s finest? Could it be that alien invaders from the planet Lilac have secretly taken over the personalities of literally thousands of the Earth’s men, a là the scary-yet-highly-comical 1950s sci-fi film “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”?
Or perhaps these men are in some sort of secret society that the rest of us cannot know about, and the way that members distinguish their own on the streets is via tie shade. It’s sort of like flashing gang signs, only without having to remember those pesky hand gestures.
But whatever is truly the case, this trend must be stopped, by force if necessary.
What I am thinking of here is some sort of secret police, perhaps something like the former USSR’s KGB, which would roam the streets in search of men making this horrible fashion blunder.
Once spotting an offender, the secret police would whip out a specially designed squirt gun and douse the delinquent’s shirtfront with a highly powered blast of paint in a respectable, somber hue, such as black or navy blue.
The offender would then be allowed to continue about his business, albeit with a stern warning never to attempt such foolish tie selection again. The penalty for a second offense would be death.
Drastic? A bit. But, as they say, desperate times call for paint-loaded squirt guns, and I think it is time that we all banded together as one nation, unified, to call for an end to purple ties everywhere. Rally together, people! Write your senator!
Don’t tell them I sent you.
— Do you have a probelm with a fashion fad? E-mail sarah.pye@pepperdine.edu.
February 20, 2003
