I’m graduating at the end of next month and have had the first-hand pleasure of combing through every resume and cover letter article on the Internet. The job market is rough, you guys, and if you don’t take a proactive stance toward getting a job, you’re bound for a lifetime of sadness fixing up artisan sandwiches at a highway exit Wendy’s. How do we prepare for the day after graduation? I thought I’d start by presenting you with the perfect sample cover letter, so you can compare yours to this one. I hope my cover letter helps you better understand what companies are looking for.
Dear Mr. Hiring Associate (or Ms. Hiring Associate),
I am writing you with this cover letter attached in this email because I would like to apply for the job you’ve listed on your website, which I’ve just applied for. Should you hire me for this open position? I think the better question is, can you afford not to hire me? And the answer to that question is no.
I’m sure you’ve already picked up on this from the paragraph above, but my communication skills are second to none. I just get “it.” I’m also a stickler for detales; absolutely nothing gets past me, mistakes-wise. Would I be good in a “fast-paced office environment?” Hmm… let me think. No, I wouldn’t. I’d be great.
I’m a born leader. In Madden 2013, I led a 79 overall rated Cleveland Browns team to the Super Bowl, and even though we didn’t win, the writing was on the wall about why the team got to that position. What did the writing say? I get the most out of people, CGI or not. And even though the game was on the easiest difficulty, you still have to play the game, and if there’s one thing people say about me, it’s that I’m willing to “play the game.”
That, and my “one weakness is Reese’s Pieces,” but overlook this for the time being.
I’m obsessed with [Insert something from job requirements that you’re definitely not obsessed with]. If there’s one thing I love doing, it’s [same thing from job requirement]. You might even say I’m passionate about it 😉
I’m tapped into the jugular of my generation. I’m also tapped into the jugular of my grandpa’s generation. Translation? I get everybody. Todd from HR who’s socially awkward and only perks up when people talk about Digimon? I’d be happy to grab lunch with him. Cynthia from Marketing who just went through a breakup and wonders if life is worth it? Here’s a shoulder to cry on.
You get a total team player, a human pocket knife. No, I won’t cut you, or make you feel like your Eagle Scout certificate is worthless but I’ll get. the. job. done. You can rest assured this is true because I put a period between every word in “get the job done.”
In summation: You want someone to work for you. I need a job. And I think we’re a perfect match. I’m a chameleon. I can be a white upper-middle class male if you’d like, or if it helps my odds, I can also be a native American female veteran who also lives in a cardboard box. Whatever bolsters my resume.
OK. Gotta go. Call me.
Follow Ben Holcomb on Twitter: @BenjaminHolcomb