Dear Living Readers
I got the inspiration for this edition of “Top 10” from a blog I follow (Letterstodeadpeople.tumblr.com) by Celine Song. All the letters below are written by yours truly. Have at it.
Love J
1. Dear J.D. Salinger You probably think I’m phony for drinking Starbucks and selling out but I want you to know girls like me all had the hots for Holden Caulfield at some point. On behalf of my ex-boyfriends thanks for giving the cynical jerks an attractive edge.
2. Dear Jack Kerouac We know you’re the savior of writing. So why don’t you come back already and save these hipster kids from trying to be you?
3. Dear George Washington Thanks for creating a country for us and everything. We’ll try to think of you when we’re grilling hot dogs on national holidays protesting our right to burn flags debating the budget deficit and watching people try to get married on reality television (I’ll explain later promise). It’s a real bummer we only have that one wigged portrait to go by though. Do they have digital cameras in heaven yet? Duh of course not— the shipping and handling is atrocious.
4. Dear Michael Jackson I’m sorry we hated you up until you died. I’m also sorry we compare your work to the likes of Lady Gaga and other newcomers. Get this— you’re gonna laugh— I heard someone mouthing off on pop music’s slow deterioration and how it doesn’t address “serious world issues” anymore. With all due respect what “serious world issue” did “Thriller” address? I knew you’d laugh.
5. Dear Steve Irwin “The Crocodile Hunter” will never be forgotten.
6. Dear George Orwell Happy New Year.
7. Dear Tupac We know you’re alive.
8. Dear Marilyn Monroe Thanks for teaching us what gorgeous looks like and we’re sorry for how we treated it.
9. Dear Mufasa You were a really good dad.
10. Dear Aristotle I wish you lived to meet Jesus.