Hey Gang.
It’s that time of the year again when classes cease for a week in the name of collegiate hooliganism and shenanigans. That’s right; nothing says “spring break” like the last week of February especially when Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow. Forget the fact that the Storm Fax Weather Almanac claims Phil predicts spring’s arrival correctly a pathetic 39 percent of the time. Even try to overlook the sad reality that Phil may not even be a top-five animal predictor in the world right now (R.I.P. Paul the Octopus). It’s spring break 2011 and nothing’s gonna bring us down.
Unfortunately there are quite a few things that could “bring us down” over spring break this year so to protect myself against anybody complaining to me after next week that “I didn’t tell them so I’m telling you all now in my First Annual Dos and Don’ts of Spring Breaking:
DO:
1. Not end all or even a majority of your sentences next week with the words, spring break 2011!!!” or for that matter any variation of that phrase. And yes I’m aware that I am guilty of such an offense just sentences before this order but it’s different if you … (mumbled gibberish ala LA news reporter Serene Branson).
2. Not ever proclaim or declare the fact that it’s spring break 2011; act like you’ve been there before. And since you’re in college you have been. I know that this rule is the same as the first but that’s just how vital it is that you abide by it. It’s like the Fight Club; you’re never supposed to talk about it. Wait shoot. Looks like my Tuesday nights just opened up.
3. Not get within 500 yards of the Payson Library. Seriously? If you’re even considering this one you’re probably not reading this article because you’re too busy simulating the Human Genome Project in your room with a large quantity of Cheese Puffs and Q-tips. God — in this sentence only President Andrew K. Benton — gives us breaks for a reason so take advantage of them.
4. Not think for one minute that the law doesn’t apply to you during this one magical week in the spring. It most certainly does so before you find yourself on the wrong end of a police Billy club or God forbid a riot shield review the local ordinances for whatever land you plan on visiting even if it’s Malibu. You may be surprised by what you find. One Google search enlightened me to the fact that walking around in a bikini past 6 p.m. in downtown Malibu is a misdemeanor. Don’t believe me? Review the laws and find out for yourself.
DON’T:
1. Be a stranger to the beach. As someone that gets mistaken for an albino on a near weekly basis (even getting mistaken on the Promenade for Mel Smith from “The Princess Bride” once) I can’t stress the importance of getting a tan enough. Being in Malibu it’s almost criminal if you don’t take advantage of our miles of shoreline. If you hate the idea of swimming wearing a swimsuit or any combination of the two (there’s only one combination) a little birdie once told me that a high intake of vegetables increases the amount of chlorophyll in your body and thus encourages your skin to consume/trap the sun’s rays.
2. Do something you wouldn’t usually do just because you’re on spring break. If the phrase “Well … it is spring break” ever runs through your head try to shake it out immediately. That sentence is never justified especially since it usually comes before ideas like “Hey let’s crush some 5-Hour Energies and go skiing behind your Hemi on PCH” or “Do you seriously not think I can jump over that 10-foot gap in the cliff hanging over a rocky shoreline 100 feet below?”
3. Go on a booze cruise anywhere. First of all it’s against Pepperdine rules (probably) and second of all have you seen “Titanic?” That’s what happens to every luxurious vacation liner I’m pretty sure. That or whatever happened to Sandra Bullock in “Speed 2: Cruise Control.” Did anyone see that?
4. Put a lot of stock in this list of spring break Dos and Don’ts. I know this rule kind of negates the last seven but come on it’s spring break. Who am I kidding? Do whatever the heck you want except please actually follow the first two rules. You don’t want to sound like a moron.