I am not a collection of parts. I am a human being with autonomy, a free mind and full command of my personhood and my dignity. Some have tried to tell me that this is only true if I follow certain societal guidelines for how a woman should dress and behave, but I know it to be a constant and immovable fact. I am never an object to be conquered or dominated.
If I am dressed in a way that you would deem “immodest,” I am not “asking for it.” Nor am I “asking for it” if I am drunk, or if you think I’m sending certain signals or if it’s dark and I am without a male escort. Some have tried to tell me that if I do any of these things I am begging to be abused, but this is not the case. No one is ever asking to be violated in the most horrific way possible.
Why, then, do so many turn rape into a gray issue when it is a simple matter of right and wrong? Rapists cause rape. It is that simple. Yet far too often it is brought into question what the victim could have possibly done to prevent his or her own assault. Rather than simply labeling the act as immoral, this invites discussion as to how immoral it really was depending on the circumstances. Rape is not a scale, and making it one perpetuates victim-blaming.
This victim-blaming language tells women that it is their responsibility not to be raped, as opposed to men being told it is their responsibility not to rape. Instead of teaching men to respect an individual’s sexual boundaries, society teaches us as women that we must dress and behave a certain way so our boundaries will not be violated. Furthermore, we are taught that if our boundaries are violated, it may be that we failed to take the necessary preventative measures that would have elevated us from a collection of body parts to a sentient human being.
When you tell me that it is my responsibility to prevent myself from being assaulted, you are not only perpetuating a false narrative that assigns blame to victims instead of assailants, but feeding a culture that makes rape survivors feel guilty and ashamed because they are told they are in some way responsible for the violence committed against them. You are employing rhetoric that makes them wonder if it was something they did, if maybe they could have stopped it.
Furthermore, when you justify a man’s immoral actions by pointing to a woman’s attire or behavior, you are divorcing the perpetrator from all moral responsibility. This language is degrading to men as well as women, because you are speaking about men as if they are mindless creatures incapable of controlling their urges rather than humans capable of making moral choices.
I propose that we strive for a society that teaches its men that rape is always wrong, in every situation, no matter what, rather than teaching its women that it is their responsibility to not get raped. We should not be raising daughters to believe that if they wear something revealing they are inviting an attacker, as if they are to be held responsible should anyone feel entitled to their body. We should be raising sons to believe that they are never entitled to anyone’s body, that “no” always means “no” and that when it comes to rape there is no gray area.
If you are among those still caught in the language of victim-blaming, I have just this to say: wake up. There are men with such little regard for human life and dignity that they feel entitled to another person’s body, and yet you are pointing your finger at short skirts and stilettos, saying “here’s the problem!” Please, wake up, and realize that instead of raising our daughters to dress a certain way, we should be raising our sons to view other peoples’ daughters not as a collection of parts but as human beings deserving of respect.