Nick Mah
I love reading the newspaper. It’s just full of so darn much information that is pertinent to my life that when I finish I feel just drunk with knowledge. Really.
I find that one of my favorite parts of the paper, in fact, is the last few pages of the first section, the “A” section, if you will. Like, say, “A26.” That’s where the good stuff is.
Since I know you’re sitting on the edge of your seat in anticipation of the example I’m about to present, I’ll not waste any words in getting to it: King Herod died of gangrene. Probably.
That’s right, it has been determined that the mad Judean ruler who tried to kill baby Jesus died a horribly painful death first brought about by kidney disease but then concluded with a nice case of genital gangrene.
Who could have unearthed this most valuable nugget of information? You can send your thank you notes to Dr. Philip Mackowiak, director of the annual Historical Clinicopathological Conference. At this conference, Phil and many other experts in the clinicopathological (I’d like to point out that Microsoft Word doesn’t even recognize “clinicopathological” as a word) field get together to talk about how historical figures may or may not have died.
In case you’re doubting the stupendous importance of the Historical Clinicopathological Conference, you can set your minds at ease knowing that they, thank God, also brought us the news of Edgar Allen Poe’s unfortunate case of rabies and Beethoven’s fateful skirmish with syphilis. Or if the arts aren’t your bag, they also concluded that Claudius died from eating poisonous mushrooms. Ha.
But back to Herod. From what Peter Richardson can tell from the writings of Flavius Josephus, it appears that Herod “suffered intense itching, painful intestinal problems, breathlessness, fever, swelling in the feet, and convulsions.”
When this became complicated with a rare version of genital gangrene known as Fournier’s gangrene it was too much for the mad king. He subsequently succumbed to, according to Dr. Phil, “a very unpleasant way to die.”
It is interesting to note that the kidney disease may help explain the king’s odd behavior, such as when he ordered the executions of one wife, three sons and the slaughter of thousands of baby boys in an attempt to destroy the baby Jesus. According to the doctors, “the untreated accumulation of bodily wastes can result in mental illness.” Makes sense to me.
If you’d like more information about the Historical Clinicopathological Conference (the CPC, as the hip kids call it), check the Internet. Just type those three easy words into any search engine and you’ll learn more about people who get their kicks talking about how people died than you ever could have imagined. The information in this article was obtained in the L.A. Times, page A28, Jan. 27, 2002.
But that’s not all. There’s one other bit of information that I found in the newspaper (A30). The army is relaxing standards on creative personal appearances. Shaved heads will now be allowed on men and cornrows and braids on women. Also, women can have one-fourth inch long nails painted colors that are not purple, gold, blue, black, white, bright red, khaki or two-tone hues.
All I can say is “Go Army.”
Well, that about wraps it up for me this week. I hope you all got some insights and are now more excited about reading the newspaper, maybe even the Graphic. Well, maybe not.
January 31, 2002