It has recently come to my attention via a helpful freshman that my last name includes the word “Love” in it. Upon discovering the suffix “ness” following the “Love” portion the freshman insisted I write a column dishing out relationship advice— a Love-ness column if you will. Finally realizing that my last name qualifies me as a love expert I went about answering a few random romance questions
I like this girl in class. How should I ask her out?
Under no circumstances are you to casually and confidently ask her to a community event such as the charming Malibu Chili Cook-off. Instead let your undefined relationship fester for weeks months even making her absolutely uncertain of your feelings toward her ultimately resulting in a tepid friendship which never allows room for natural growth trust and progression. It’s best to let this attraction sink into your mind so that you are both afraid to pursue it and unwilling to let it go at the same time stunting you emotionally for at least a good semester.
I’m going to Europe with IP for the year. What advice do you have for dating abroad?
Make sure to infatuate yourself with a person staying home for the year so that you destroy any possibility of finding love while traveling in the most romantic continent on earth. Build your stateside crush up to an unrealistic standard so that you consistently punish yourself internally for even hoping of being with such a Venus. This is even better if you make the object of your desire the same person from the first question. Do not open yourself to possibilities of companionship or even acquaintance during your travels. Constantly think of your poisonously alluring crush back in Lovernich who may be (but probably isn’t) thinking of you at this very moment. When you return perhaps bring an unnecessary gift to Hannah that you walked hours through the outskirts of Istanbul to find. Make sure to present this to her as she introduces you to her new boyfriend who you had no idea about. Greet Todd or whatever his name is with shock paralyzing shock. Mispronounce his name and recognize him as that one guy in your History 304 class. Boil with hatred towards him feel a deadness inside toward love and all its lies bury this deadness deep inside and then (this is important) wave a limp goodbye to your infatuation who has never looked more rapturously beautiful and yet tragically unattainable. This is optional but I recommend accidentally crushing your head on the ceiling of the Pepperdine Shuttle and tumbling down said shuttle steps onto the CCB Pavement. She will laugh which will momentarily rekindle hope in your soul but don’t be fooled— she never thought of you that way Jeff.
I’m having trouble getting over a bad break-up. What should I do?
First acknowledge the fact that life is a cruel destructive force that tempts you with happiness but never gives you what you want. Maybe you should participate in a meaningless time-consuming hobby to distract yourself from the loneliness gripping your soul such as painting horseback riding or writing a pathetic sketch comedy for YouTube that Hannah will never watch because she never even knew your name and yet you built your whole life around the expectation that she would adore you back you fool! You idealistic young fool!
Also I recommend you cling to shallow unsubstantial interactions through fleeting Facebook contact or the occasional wave on the way to Humanities 313. If your former girlfriend/lost love of your life happens to pop up on your Facebook newsfeed drop everything you are doing to see what Hannah is up to. Wallow in self-pity knowing that there are fifth graders who know more about love than you could ever dream of. Perhaps write a short story about your experiences to help you cope with them. Better yet write a short film and force your friends to act in it without telling them the inspiration behind the story. Use that film to enter and win the 2010 Reel Stories Film Festival Audience Choice Award.
I’m thinking of proposing to my girlfriend Hannah. Got any advice? — Todd
… No.
Check back next week for more expert Dr. Love-Ness Love Tips! Thanks for the idea insightful freshman! I’m going to go stare at something in the library now.