Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. While medieval courtiers were responsible for initially romanticizing the holiday we have the greeting card industry to thank for the modern bastardization of this saint’s feast day. (Evidently turning Christmas into a celebration of an obese sweatshop boss and Easter into a veritable LSD trip of giant bunnies and pastels wasn’t enough for these people. They had to seek more obscure Christian holidays to ruin.)
If Virginia is for lovers Valentine’s Day is for saps. Only fools celebrate the holiday and they’re worse off for it. The day takes people’s time money blood sweat and tears. (If you don’t believe me about the blood wait till you read suggestion No. 3.)
You’re single. You know how I know? If you were hitched you’d be too preoccupied trying to please your overly demanding partner to read this. You know what else? You’re better for it. Civilization rests on the backs of uncompromising individuals persons too busy and too intelligent to waste time celebrating Valentine’s Day.
But even though the pope struck St. Valentine’s Day from the calendar of feast days in 1969 Feb. 14 is here to stay. And even though you’re single you’re still going to have to choose some way to spend this coming Monday. Here are your options.
1. “Accidentally” mix up the a.m. and p.m. on your alarm clock. Listen nobody’s perfect. So why not prove the fact by just happening to sleep through all of Monday? It’s not like you’ll miss anything worthwhile. “But I have a major test that day!” Well C’s get degrees. “But it’ll be lonely sleeping through a whole day!” If there’s anything “Inception” taught me it’s that the most fulfilling relationships can only be experienced in the dream world. “But my muscles will atrophy if I stay in bed all day!” When Charlie got his golden ticket and selected Grandpa to go with him to the chocolate factory that old man was able to get out of bed easy enough. You’re young and spry. Twenty-four hours spent curled up in the fetal position won’t kill you. It’ll throw off your metabolism for a week but it won’t kill you.
2. Honor Black History Month instead. The month is too short as it is. You really can’t afford to take a day off to celebrate candy flowers and “love.”
3. Remember the fallen of the St. Valentine’s Massacre. In 1929 Al Capone’s South Side Italian gang shot and killed seven men connected to Bugsy Moran’s North Side Irish gang in prohibition-era Chicago. Capone was in Florida at the time of the shooting and was never even charged for the bloodbath. You’re probably not from Chicago. You may not even be Irish or Italian. Wear black all day anyway. Further take a 24-hour vow of silence and hang a sign around your neck that explains your solemnity to your teachers and friends.
4. Go against papal orders and actually celebrate the feast day of St. Valentine. The pope removed St. Valentine’s Day from the calendar because so little is known about the man; legend has it Valentine healed the deaf blind daughter of his jailer while he was in prison for being a Christian. He was later beheaded anyway. Sounds like a good enough guy to gorge yourself for.
5. Commemorate Arizona’s 99th birthday. Finally the state is as old as its citizens. Just like your bitter soul the state is a well-known contrarian. Arizona famously refused to celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day back in the 1980s and more recently cracked down on people who look like illegal immigrants. Buy a cake from Ralphs and needle the thing full of candles. Blow them out in a Lovernich apartment because there aren’t enough DPS reports of kitchen fires there already.
6. Go to the College Libertarians meeting in the HAWC at 8 p.m. Nothing screams romance like a group that generally believes human rights are property rights. After all you own your own body not the government and certainly not a romantic partner.
7. Be a squeaky third wheel. Every relationship needs a third wheel. Latch onto your favorite couple for Valentine’s Day and pester them to no end. Try especially hard to incite conflict between the two lovebirds by bringing up matters told to you in confidence by each party. When the two ditch you and go to dinner alone follow them from a safe distance of two or three cars back all the way to the restaurant. Once you walk into the Chart House or wherever immediately take the woman’s coat and put it in your car. Drive to a different restaurant where you can safely spend the rest of your evening proposing toasts to “glorious independence” and playing “Flight of the Bumblebee” with your hand in your armpit.
8. Quit your moping and find a date. If you can’t beat them join them.